it's a trans life

FOR OVER 21 AND FABULOUS! - Asia vitale's MySpace Blog |

2010-06-23T23:14:00.000-07:00

I’m turning 40 this year and people have been amazed by it saying, “You look so young!” My usual reply is “Aw, thank you!” or “I’m really 28… online.” Sometimes I say, “I eat a lot of rice”, which is true, I do, but it’s not the reason why I look young. It’s a combination of nature and nurture. So, I decided to start sharing my beauty tips with those who said, “I want to look like you when I get older!” and those who said, “I want to look like you now!”

For starters, I stopped comparing myself with others because there will always be someone better looking than I do. I’ve accepted myself and learned how to work with my features. I get enough rest and I eat healthier, but with lots of room for improvement. However, I’ve also taken good care of my skin by proper cleansing and drinking more water than coffee or soda and I learned how to use make-up to accentuate my better features.

My basic skincare is a mix of brand names and generic local drugstore products because I don’t believe that all expensive products are better. I start by washing with a foaming face wash then a generous application of Aveeno® Oatmeal Body Lotion on my freshly washed face for an overnight treatment. It’s great for the body and excellent for the face. CVS® brand has a comparable oatmeal lotion too, which I find better than TARGET® brand oatmeal lotion. My make-up kit is similar. I have inexpensive products like Essence of Beauty® sponges and cotton cosmetic applicators mixed with a couple of luxury items like my MAC brush kit and my classic (discontinued) $20 Tweezerman® Slanted Tweezer with Thumb Grips. Their other tweezer models work just fine too.

The best foundation for me is L’Oreal® True Match liquid foundation in W7. I apply it lightly with a sponge for daytime and generously for nighttime and pageants. When I’m more tanned, especially in the summer, I focus on a light application from the center of my face and fade out to bare skin on the edges. I really like how it has little soft shimmers that reflect light creating the illusion of brighter skin but also diffuse the unevenness of my skin tone.

Some people say you have to use the same brand of powder with your foundation. Realistically, some just need a foundation or powder, and for some, one brand is better than the other is. For me, I ADORE Milani® pressed powder in Golden. This works well for my skin tone and comes out great in pictures. I have been using this for 5 years except for a couple of times that I ran out of it and tried another product, which turned out bad in pictures. I apply the powder with a disposable sponge, focusing on the center of my face, over the area around upper and lower eyelids, nose and fading out.

Instead of a blush, I go back to L’Oreal® True Match using a pressed powder in W8. I lightly contour the line from my ears to my lips when I pucker up and blend it out in small circular motions. I also fade out soft swipes of the brush from my temples and forehead hairlines. This change the proportion of my round-face into a… well… a less round looking face.

It used to take me up to 20 minutes just to get the foundation right but by eliminating unnecessary steps for regular daywear, like using a concealer, contouring with foundation, layering of powders and brighteners, now I’m down to just 5 minutes max. This gives me a clean looking canvas to build on.

Next: Eye make-up and more product opinions

Alone With God

2009-10-22T22:47:00.000-07:00

10/18/09
the night before my day of birth i realized that i wanted to see the sunrise on my day of birth, to commune with God, to be alone with him... on sunday. i woke up at 6:30 am and drove to leo carillo beach. it was beautifully grey, cool, patches of sunlight along the coast, quiet, calm, serene. i finished reading the bible that i received for my birthday last year. this is the first time i've read the bible from beginning to end. i learned so much, new stories, remembering old ones, reading the same passages but with new insight, fresh mind. i listened to some hymns, sang a little, read from another book. i was alone with God... and it was wonderful.

There Is A Season

2008-12-31T14:34:00.000-08:00

based on my 2008 resolutions, i'm deciding to make only a few for 2008 because i couldnt stick to them and just frustrated me...
1. know God more (read, pray, meditate, listen)
2. LET GO of "things i cannot change" (seriously, this is what causes anxiety. my therapist says i'm controlling and manipulative. oh yeah? i'll show him... kidding!)
3. exercise (darn it.)

God knows whats gone on in my heart and mind this 2008. there's one that played in a loop, seems like. its hard when the heart is stronger and stubborn. another word my therapist called me. i've prayed many times about that one loop and in some sense it got better and easier to stop but something happened and triggered it, changed the loop, and it got worse on some days. so... God... yeah... you know what's up. Help. Please.

Amen.

my 2008 resolutions:
1. accept that some things are incomplete at the moment, do not overthink things (i struggled hard with this one and still didnt get close to achieving it. work in progress.)
2. do not be afraid of "righteousness" or "holiness" because that is what is lacking in this world (this needs to be daily resolution, not annually)
3. get busy! join a gym, be more active, follow through with personal projects, finish something (ok. i tried but i got lazy. i did buy a pilates ball with weights and dusted off my old stepper.)
4. read a book (not gonna happen, except for The Message.)
5. get rid of the "past" (errrrr... right. forgot about that one.)
6. enjoy the unspoken assurance that i am loved by that special someone and time apart only means that (i'd say... 75%)
7. trust God more (must be a daily thing)
8. save money (done! and gone. and slowly going back up.)
9. spend more time with family and friends (done! sort of.)
10. write more (done! just kept it private. i blab too much! haha.)

Hanging Out With Other Christians

2008-11-21T09:22:00.000-08:00

from Off Track...

i haven't really thought about why i really go to church, other than getting closer to God. this devotional reminded me that it's also about "fellowship" or hanging out with other Christians, other believers, followers of Christ. it's about telling others what's up with yourself, hearing what's going on with them, giving and receiving words of encouragement, advice, prayers, a hug, a touch, company, but also to remind, tell, reprimand someone who is going against what they believe in, when they're messing up in life, doing bad... all this to uplift, uphold, bring us closer to God. that's why i like going to church.

Fellowship with other Christians
Strengthens us when we are weak,
Reprimands when we are sinning,
Helps us when God’s will we seek.
—Sper

True love dares to confront.

answers to tough questions, reposted

2008-07-05T21:18:00.000-07:00

i get asked a lot about how am i resolved with the conflict of transgenderism and spirituality, in particular, Christianity... and i always try to share my beliefs one person at a time but i want to be more consistent with my testimony so here it goes...

its a lot of TOUGH TOUGH TOUGH reading for most so i hope you read this with an open mind... and if you feel convicted, thats not me or my writing, its your conscience and the Spirit talking to you...

if you don't like it, then dont read it... if you want to know, then read...

you have the power of choice in anything in life...
***************************************************************
ANSWERS TO TOUGH QUESTIONS

In the process of change, a person can experience deep internal turmoil that can paralyze them and render them completely useless or totally ineffective in positively contributing to society. In some cases ending ones life become the best solution in their mind than enduring this hardship. I, however, believe this lifetime struggle is given me so that God’s grace and mercy may be shown through me. Enduring this constant struggle which appears to others as one I’m losing makes me determined to live through it. I will not keep the extreme-condemning-conservative agenda nor the seemingly “anything goes” liberal agenda beat me down to a useless pulp. I can be the example of a God-fearing, Bible-believing follower of Christ who is in the midst of a lifetime struggle who is also positively and effectively contributing to the betterment of society. I am a person that reaches those discarded by religion for being “different”. I am the person that reaches those who refuse to acknowledge that God has a good reason for giving them this life.

Who Are You?

My devotion one morning led me to revisit a series of "answers to tough questions" that I’ve read before... it’s really challenged me and affected me greatly. In some ways, it helped me be at peace about who I am to God.

I don’t claim to know everything but this is how I am able to continue living and making the best of what God has given me, all the good and bad, the easy and tough, everything...

The Power Of Sin

If we are to have a measure of victory over the power of sin, it will come only as we lean on the strength and wisdom of Christ (Rom. 7:24-25). As His grace strengthens our hearts and minds, we can overcome our own worst inclination to make foolish choices.

Hadrian’s Wall

Prejudice and racism remain with us today, even in the church. Such attitudes do damage to our witness of Christ’s love for all people. Jesus laid down His life to redeem people from every tribe and nation. We must not only accept them, we must love them as our brothers and sisters in Christ (Gal. 3:28-29; Rev. 5:9).

How can I know that my faith is strong enough for me to be considered a child of God?

“People who think that their faith must be perfect before it will be acceptable to God ignore dozens of scriptural examples of people whose trust in God was imperfect, yet their faith was still accepted by Him…It isn't the perfection of our trust that matters, but the perfection of God's love and forgiveness. Perfect faith will be ours only when the Holy Spirit has completed His work of sanctification within us.”

Can I be sure that I’m going to heaven?

“Although the Bible doesn't teach that believers can lose their salvation, real believers can backslide and lose their joy… But we should distinguish between backsliding and apostasy--departing from the faith… The doctrine of eternal security as taught in Scripture is intended to comfort true Christians who want to live faithfully for Jesus Christ.”

If the Bible requires Christians to confess and forsake their sins, why don't they stop sinning completely?

“When we have faith in Christ we are instantly freed from the eternal penalty of our sin, but we can not be freed of the burden of inner sin itself except through a process -- the process of sanctification by the power of the Holy Spirit. Sanctification creates a "new man" within us in the image of Christ, a new "nature" that is drawn to life and immortality instead of death and corruption. Unlike the instantaneous event of justification, the process of sanctification continues through our entire life on earth, reaching completion only in heaven (1 John 3:2, 3 ).”

Does God hold Christians responsible for their unpremeditated and unconscious sins?

“Although the Bible distinguishes between conscious and unconscious sin, when we first put our faith in Jesus Christ, He declared us "justified." He forgave us in a legal and judicial sense. He did this once and for all, forgiving us of any and all sins: past, present, and future; conscious and unconscious.”

Do You Really Love Him?
http://www.rbc.net/utmost/index.php?day=21&month=02“We should quit asking ourselves, "Am I of any use?" and accept the truth that we really are not of much use to Him. The issue is never of being of use, but of being of value to God Himself. Once we are totally surrendered to God, He will work through us all the time.”

Complete and Effective Decision About Sin
http://www.rbc.net/utmost/index.php?day=10&month=04“…It is, however, the greatest moment in your life once you decide that sin must die in you-not simply be restrained, suppressed, or counteracted, but crucified— just as Jesus Christ died for the sin of the world.”

What can caring parents do if they learn their child is living a homosexual lifestyle? (applicable to Transgenderism)
http://www.rbc.net/bible_study/answers_to_tough_questions/answers/30766.aspx

Selections from Transsexuality/Transsexualism (Transgender)
[From a Christian ministry in the UK, http://www.parakaleo.co.uk/]

1. What is a transsexual?
The term is used to describe an apparently biologically normal individual who has an overwhelming desire to be identified as a member of the opposite sex. Increasingly such individuals seek chemical (hormone) therapy and surgery to conform their body to that of the opposite biological sex. In reality it is impossible to chemically or surgically alter one’s biological sex. Medical authorities consistently assert that sex is determined by the chromosomes.

2. What causes transsexualism?
There are no scientifically proven genetic or organic causes for transsexualism. There is much indemonstrable speculation and unsubstantiated mythology. Most serious available medical research suggests that it is a psychological condition.

4. What is Gender Identity Disorder?
The clinical (or medical) term used to describe those people who describe themselves (or self-determine) as transsexual. The term ‘transsexualism’ is a misnomer. The clinical term is more accurate as a person’s self-perceived identity is emphasized. It is a popular though misleading claim that transsexualism (Gender Identity Disorder) is now has ‘proven’ that the condition exists as a consequence of an abnormality in the brain or perhaps as a consequence of some hormonal imbalance prior to birth. Whilst some research has been conducted into the brains of deceased transsexual’s studies are limited in scope and far from conclusive. Prenatal hormonal imbalance theories are speculative. The amount of scientific research into transsexualism is limited. Research that has been conducted overwhelmingly points to causation being multi-factorial and primarily psychological in origin. Psychiatric evidence indicates that gender ambiguity can be responsive to therapies without recourse to surgery. Transsexualism therefore continues to be regarded by medical authorities as primarily an issue of personal identity, though appropriate treatment of the condition is disputed.

5. Is transsexualism homosexuality?
No. Homosexualism is the physical and/or emotional attraction to persons of the same sex, including the desire to act out that attraction. Homosexuals are normally content with their biological (given) sex. They rarely have any strong desire to change sex.

7. Are children at risk?
No. Transgendered persons are not pedophiles.

8. What is sex reassignment surgery (SRS)?
A number of surgical operations designed to conform the body to that of the opposite biological sex. Surgery is normally concurrent with chemical (hormonal) therapies that can redistribute body fat, alter skin texture and increase or reduce bodily hair. The degree of surgery or chemical therapies undertaken can very from individual to individual. It has been estimated that possibly as many as 50% of transsexuals do not actually proceed to SRS.

9. How much does surgery cost?
It varies with the amount of surgery requested. At least £7,000. (UK)

10. What happens if a person changes their mind after surgery?
Post-operative transsexuals do from time to time recognize that surgery was a mistake, or poorly performed. It is impossible satisfactorily to replace surgically removed genitalia. A measure of reparative surgery is available at considerable cost.

11. Is pre-operative counseling available?
It is, but increasingly candidates are being fast-tracked through to surgery virtually upon request with minimal or no counseling. Existing guidelines recommend at least two years living in the desired gender role. Frequently the guidelines are ignored. Diagnosis and supply of hormones is now available over the Internet.

12. Do transsexual people marry and have families?
Many transsexuals are, or have been, married. Many have fathered or mothered children. Few marriages survive transsexualism. Transsexual parents usually remain alienated from their children.

14. How many transsexuals exist in the community (UK)?
It has been estimated that there are some 5000+ postoperative transsexual people in Great Britain. These estimates are not reliable.

15. Do postoperative transsexuals live a fulfilling life?
Some apparently do. Many, however, do not and remain on various forms of support.

16. Should transsexuals be allowed to marry?
A male-to-female transsexual person can legally marry a female-to-male transsexual. As neither surgery nor hormones change a person’s biological sex a transsexual remains in their given (birth) sex. In essence, a ‘marriage’ involving a male-to-female transsexual and a biological male would be a same-sex relationship. Currently illegal, a change in the law is now being proposed.

17. How should Christians respond to transsexualism?
Transsexualism is a complex condition that is not easy for people to understand, particularly if a person is content with their own gender identity. Christians should respond as far as possible with compassion and understanding. However, transsexualism is a self-determined condition. It is unique in that the patient makes their own diagnosis – a doctor only confirms it. Genetic determination is not likely ever to be scientifically demonstrated. Evidence suggests that resolution of the underlying gender ambiguity and conflict can be slow and painful. It is only likely to be resolved with strong commitment and determination. Christians should be willing to support in every possible way the struggles of transsexual people to accept their true birth sex.

18. Shouldn’t Christians just accept people as they choose to be?
We all live in a fallen world and often we come short of God’s standards. Nevertheless, God’s created intent for humankind is made clear in the early chapters of the book of Genesis. That intent is confirmed throughout the Old and New Testaments. Jesus himself referred back paradigmatically to the creation story in Genesis. Christians experiencing scriptural new birth should expect personal wholeness to result from a commitment to being fully obedient to Christ, including any identity ambiguity. Christians should expect transformation through the work of the Holy Spirit to occur in everyone’s life in producing Christ-like lives.

…and lastly, another link, from an online encyclopedia, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transgender

“Transgender people may or may not have had medical sex reassignment therapy, also called sex reassignment surgery, and may or may not have any interest in such a procedure. In other words, not all transgender people are transsexual, although, by definition, all transsexual people are transgender.”

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transsexual

“Many psychological causes for transsexualism have been proposed; including "overbearing mothers and absent fathers", "parents who wanted a child of the other sex", "repressed homosexuality", "emotional disturbance"… Many transsexual (and also many other transgender) people assume that there is a physical cause of their transsexualism, because they claim to have had the feeling of being a girl or a boy for as long as they can remember. Several studies have shown evidence that such a physical cause may exist.”

“There is also evidence from transsexual people born between the 1930s and 1970s that a powerful synthetic estrogen known as diethylstilbestrol (DES), which was routinely used at the time to prevent miscarriage and treat morning sickness, may have contributed to disrupting the hormonal balance within the womb. Evidence suggests that an unusually high percentage of physical males whose mothers were known to have taken this medication present as transgender or transsexual, either in childhood or in later life. [12]”

There is evidently a disconnect with the practical applications of Biblical truths and Scriptural absolutes to everyday and moment by moment struggles of a transsexual person to counter act individually in-born truths and facts which were nurtured by societal/familial factors begun in an individuals nature.

1 Samuel 16:1-13 (New International Version)
New International Version (NIV)
1 Samuel 16
Samuel Anoints David
1 The LORD said to Samuel, "How long will you mourn for Saul, since I have rejected him as king over Israel? Fill your horn with oil and be on your way; I am sending you to Jesse of Bethlehem. I have chosen one of his sons to be king."
7 But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."
11 So he asked Jesse, "Are these all the sons you have?"
"There is still the youngest," Jesse answered, "but he is tending the sheep."
Samuel said, "Send for him; we will not sit down [a] until he arrives."
12 So he sent and had him brought in. He was ruddy, with a fine appearance and handsome features.
Then the LORD said, "Rise and anoint him; he is the one."
13 So Samuel took the horn of oil and anointed him in the presence of his brothers, and from that day on the Spirit of the LORD came upon David in power. Samuel then went to Ramah.
Society looks at a persons appearance which dictates/suggests who and what they are as well as how they are treated, respected, valued. As a practical application an individual must in some way conform to the standards of society in order to be an effective contributor, for acceptance, for equal and fair treatment. As a Christian, presenting oneself as a non-conformist in a church culture is unacceptable for most. There has to be a level of conformity. As a Transgender woman, one of the driving factors in transitioning is social acceptance therefore the motivation to be passable is strong.
As with any human, the outside appearance is not the totality of who they are. The inside, the true self, the soul, contributes to the wholeness of the person. God searches the heart of everyone including transgenders. God knows the motivation of each, the struggles, the predestination. Is it possible then for a transgender to conform to society’s standards of gender presentation and still be a Christian?

http://www.rbc.net/radio_and_tv/discover_the_word/31683.aspx
AVOIDING REGRET IN ETERNITY
The principle is that opportunities embraced and used lead to greater opportunities, but opportunities that are shunned will close off future opportunities to us.

Intent of the Heart

2008-05-19T08:22:00.000-07:00

i had a conservative baptist upbringing. there's nothing necessarily wrong with that, just that i learned from that community what it's like to be a "right-wing extremist". early on i learned to keep my mouth shut and hide my true feelings because if it is perceived as an "abomination in the eyes of the Lord" then i would be treated like a demon-posessed person, a leper or branded with the scarlet letter.

i saw how self-righteous misled misinformed hypocrites condemned people, rebuked and forced repentance through guilt and heartless reproof. i saw how those hungry for human connection and simple affectionate touch broke down in tears repenting for something they don't fully understand; all because the bible said so.

i'm not saying those christians did wrong per se, or maybe i am, but i'm referring more to how it's done. the devotion i read today (http://www.rbc.org/devotionals/our-daily-bread/2008/05/19/devotion.aspx) talked about checking the intent of OUR hearts and not being quick to judge others.

i know some of those people in my past who were corrected by the conservatives really were doing morally wrong stuff, biblically they were "sinning", and i'm sure trust in the holy spirit was brought up, that Jesus will save them as long as they trust him as their Lord and Savior and that God will provide all their needs including spiritual strength to overcome temptations BUT... being a practical person here... they do not understand the root of their "evil" AND some christians are not able to follow-through with the follow-up they're supposed to do with the person they "converted". which is wrong in itself. those converted were left to struggle through on their own (human terms). at that time, they had to check the intents of THEIR hearts. but did they know that? were they taught that? did they learn that?

i'm sure some of you my fellow believers are already up in arms about this but when i was rebuked for my sins, their intent was good, but they did NOT follow up with me. they didn't know what happened in those "ex-gay" meetings i attended and they didn't understand that my thing was not about being gay... its about being trans. they can barely handle the gay-thing, now, much less, the trans thing.

invisible. that's what i've become to them. out of sight, out of mind. forced compromise when we need to see each other. i stopped that.

i have to always check the intent of my heart with what i learned from the bible. i can only trust Gods word. i continue to pray that i will be a good follower of Jesus' teachings and let the Holy Spirit work in me, through me. i pray that God will connect me with HIS people who will teach me because that's what they're led to do after they checked the intent of their hearts.

*****
My wife and I were stopped at a railroad crossing to allow a train to pass. As we waited in the line of cars, the driver next to us suddenly darted through a nearby parking lot and headed in the direction of the next available railroad crossing.

I turned to Marlene and said, with some righteous indignation, “Look at that guy. He’s trying to get around the train instead of waiting like the rest of us.” As soon as I said those words, the man, camera in hand, hopped from his car to take pictures of the oncoming train. I had judged his motives, and I was dead wrong.

Although we can observe behavior and outward appearance, only God can see what’s in the heart.
-Bill Crowder
*****

"Use me. I trust you."

2008-05-14T10:49:00.000-07:00

I read in this devotional about a man born with no arms and legs. After reading John 9, about the blind man that Jesus healed, he accepted that he is the way he is for a purpose. He accepts his situation and has let himself be used by God however he can be used. No anger. No resentment. No question.

Some consider me as having a disorder, mental or emotional. Some view me as being "handicapped" for not having certain parts. Some see me as troubled because I'm not "normal". Evidently God didn't make a mistake bringing me into this world as I am. God is using me just as I am for his purpose. That's a high calling. Of course, "as I am" is not a license to do whatever or disregard rules, what's wrong is wrong and what's right is right.

I pray for the same thing, "God, use me. I trust you."

Out Of The Abundance Of The Heart

2008-03-27T08:28:00.001-07:00

i saw my folks a few days ago after they spent months in the PI. they look well. they have a lot of stories. frustrations. happy news. good and bad news. sad news. we glossed over a lot of things because we've talked about them before. about who i am and what i am... glossed over. why? because i wasn't in the mood to repeat all that i've said and written in emails. my folks, especially my dad, did come to realization about a lot of things he's done and not done in regards to bringing up my siblings and i. he apologized and held back tears. i saw his sincerity but also his clear and solid stance on biblical truths. uncompromising. i love it! now he communicates. too late? no. he's still my dad and i'll still listen.

mom was being her usual self, very nurturing, desiring to smooth things over, and i assured her through my words and actions i'm not tense or stressed or afraid or anything like that in regards to the discussions. i'm listening. but more importantly i let them know, i'm happy, i'm good and i'm continuing the struggle for what is right. dad says i can be free from the struggle. although i disagree partly, i didnt argue. he has the need to be a dad right now and i let him. i said i understand it and i believe.

in talking about someone who has hurt all of us, they mentioned a part of luke 6:45..."For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks". i looked it up in another translation and it came out, the full verse... "Good people do good things because of the good in their hearts. Bad people do bad things because of the evil in their hearts. Your words show what is in your heart."

their words show they love me. they care. its in their hearts. they may not be fully interested or ready to hear everything (i'm not even talking about accepting or understanding yet) but... they love me and they're sorry for what they lacked in bringing us up. i love them too. i forgive them. i'm not mad or hurt or sad. i'm thankful.

its in my heart.

Do It Right

2008-02-26T08:43:00.000-08:00

Has anyone done you wrong and said they’re sorry but you know they didn’t really mean it?

Have you done anyone wrong and faked your “I’m sorry” just to get back into their good graces or just to avoid further discussion about your mistake?

I read today the story of Zaccheaus, http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2019:1-9, the short man who climbed up the tree to see Jesus. He was a terrible tax collector (speaking of which, I need to do mine soon) but wanted to see who this Jesus was. Deep inside he believed in him and truly repented for all his wrongdoings to the point of making restitution. What is restitution? It is bringing things back to its original situation as with loss, damage or injury. This guy gave back all that he has taken away from others times four! He was truly sorry!

I know someone who was very dear to me but because of some things going on with her back then she turned on me when things would happen that would put her in bad light. But those things were caused by her own actions because of her wrong motives. Instead of being truly sorry with appropriate actions, I, we, my other friends and I, would get her “I’m so sorry. I’m always wrong. I’m a really bad person…” speeches but would still do the same things or variations thereof. It got to the point that her once very close circle of friends stepped away from her. Now… we don’t hate her. We just don’t like the things she does and hope one day she’ll change. Its not up to us to do that. She will need to want it herself.

But… I’ve also been like that. Sometimes I’m still like that especially with God. I remember not owning up to my mistakes or constantly making stuff up to cover my mistakes or pointing at others. Just like that friend, I’ve also done the projecting, rejecting, deflecting and none of it ever worked out well. Sometimes it blew up in my face and what little error I did was now an avalanche of stupid lies crashing on my head. Sometimes bad things happen to me because of some bad thing I did and I say “Please, God. I promise. I’ll never do it again. Just help me with this one.” Guess what. Yup. I do it again.

Repentance, restitution, renovation… those words we don’t really think about and yet are necessary to maintain friendships, relationships, recovery, peace, harmony, living life, etc. Struggling to do right with someone, for someone, is better than faking apologies. Saying sorry should be followed by actions consistent with the statement. Sometimes its not instant to be proven that we are sorry. Sometimes it will take time. We have to give others the chance to do it right just like we should give ourselves the chance to do it right.

Consider Others Better Than Yourself

2008-02-25T11:28:00.000-08:00

A friend asked me one time “Who helps you?” I took a moment to think about it because I do many things for my friends, more for some than others, and I never really thought about who does things for me. Different friends help me in different ways, some more meaningful than others, some I take for granted or not really take to heart. Some in physical ways and some in emotional and few in deeply spiritual ways.

Part of serving others is the genuine interest in their well-being. For me, well-being must begin with a relaxed and calm state in order to receive the nurturing effects of care. Showing my place yesterday to someone I’m working with on a project, I caught myself saying “most of my friends who come by to visit end up falling asleep here.” It’s not because I’m boring but because I have infused my place with myself; nurturing, relaxing, calming… like a spa… without the steam room.

I have a friend who always reminds me that my help and support is greatly appreciated. Most of the time I just do things because I want to and because I anticipate others needs. But sometimes I feel either taken advantage of, taken for granted, or worst yet, entitled to reciprocation or any equivalent thereof I see fit.

Today I read http://rbc.org/devotionals/our-daily-bread/2008/02/25/devotion.aspx and the passage http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Philippians%202:1-8 . What struck me were verses 5 to 7, particularly 7, where the word “servant” resonated in me. I never consciously thought about my actions but it has become natural for me to “serve” others.

In looking deeper at verse 7, serving involves “humility”, a very Christian virtue. It involves leaving the rest up to God instead of trying to do things of our own strength and abilities. It’s almost like being motivated by control and manipulation of others reactions to make us feel good. But humility must not to be confused with exaggerating fake humbleness by saying “I’m no good” but not really believing it, just saying it to make others feel bad for you therefore liking you more. True humility is seeing others better than yourselves.

BUT…

This “Better” doesn’t have anything to do with how much value we have compared to others, value or importance or significance… it’s about seeing the needs of others and their concerns “surpass” our own. Just like Christ valued us so much that he gave up his life as a sacrifice for us without expecting anything back. It is up to us to put value in that and give ourselves up to him because we desire to.

Therefore, “who helps you?” is not an important question. “Who do you help?” is a better one to ask.

don't fake love

2008-01-18T09:23:00.000-08:00

getting anxious for valentines day already... i know i won't be on a date or anything like that... because... because... the expression of love should not be saved up for one day. it should be constant. we should not be led to buy things because of society or media's dictation that "you should" splurge for your loved one on valentines day. much worst, you are not worthless if you do not have a someone special on valentines day.

love comes in many different forms; family, friend, brotherly or sisterly, lover, partner, parent to child and vice versa. some friends are like family and sometimes a relative is like a best friend. so we dont need to be manipulated to find a love one for valentines day.

and we should not be afraid to do good, be good, love goodness and hate evil. evil is the opposite of good. it is with the intention to NOT be good to someone or ourselves. we're afraid of using that word because we probably feel we're judging ourselves or we'll be judged but thats how life is. we have to face the truth sooner or later. we have to look at ourselves in the mirror and be honest with ourselves. we dont like any hint of "evil"? then... change! be good!

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this is "the message" version of Romans 12:9-21. it seems easy to understand.
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Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle.

Don't burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don't quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality.

Bless your enemies; no cursing under your breath. Laugh with your happy friends when they're happy; share tears when they're down. Get along with each other; don't be stuck-up. Make friends with nobodies; don't be the great somebody.

Don't hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you've got it in you, get along with everybody. Don't insist on getting even; that's not for you to do. "I'll do the judging," says God. "I'll take care of it."

Our Scriptures tell us that if you see your enemy hungry, go buy that person lunch, or if he's thirsty, get him a drink. Your generosity will surprise him with goodness. Don't let evil get the best of you; get the best of evil by doing good.

countdown

2007-12-31T17:18:00.000-08:00

in a few hours my life is going to change significantly. i'm going into another dimension. one that is going to lead me into a life that is more vibrant, progressive, successful... who am i kidding... its already that way!

i'm excited and anxious and tired. this past year, although mellow compared to some friends year, was full of 'things'. i felt more valued by 555 but at the same time felt insignificant eventhough that someone took big strides into keeping a promise to share me with important people because i am very special. (i love you!)

i was reminded a couple of times that i do not have a uterus. (thank you kaiser permanente medical center for the pap smear reminders).

i widened and narrowed my circle of friends and the close circle has become my family. (i love you guys! go KFAGG!)

i started a new music demo

i helped 555 with all the changes in life this year and in return challenged me with a question "who helps you?"

i offered help to someone very close to me who wasnt ready to accept that help. i hope they would be okay with their decision to continue in their chosen direction because my help will be used up January 2008. (you know i love you and will be helping out one way or another if things change.)

2 men in my life will be continually disconnected in 2008. its their choice. they can't handle knowing me more deeply because who i am is a challenge to who they are.

i'm still in love with the same guy, wishing things were different, hoping to be still and near each other, learning how to be a true friend but thinking things are happening to lay a foundation for another kind of extremely special friendship that will develop next year.

i auditioned for a fantastic restaurant/club/bar where the trans wait-staff are also the entertainment (i hope they open soon and hire me!). i was also followed for a documentary which i think is turning into a docu-series and contacted for another movie.

i worked with several photographers this year and learned quite a bit... mainly "do not squish in my arm when taking sideview shots because they end up looking really fat."

i was more active in church choir and became an official member of the church. i continued with my daily devotions, prayers, reading the bible, studying some special topic booklets and shared so much of my faith with family and friends. i'm so thankful they opened up to these things and have given me very sound advice themselves based on goodness and righteousness.

my 2008 resolutions:
1. accept that some things are incomplete at the moment, do not overthink things
2. do not be afraid of "righteousness" or "holiness" because that is what is lacking in this world
3. get busy! join a gym, be more active, follow through with personal projects, finish something
4. read a book
5. get rid of the "past"
6. enjoy the unspoken assurance that i am loved by 555 and time apart only means that
7. trust God more
8. save money
9. spend more time with family and friends
10. write more

lets see what happens :-)

modeling portfolio samples

2007-10-05T09:36:00.002-07:00

Karlo David Photography

i dont go to church because...

2007-10-05T09:36:00.001-07:00

the devotional i read today (http://www.rbc.net/odb/odb-10-05-07.shtml) talked about people who got turned off to the church and the bible because of other christians who either treated them poorly, have hurt them or ignored IN church. it sounds familiar to me. i've gone through that. but i didnt want the church people who 'rejected' me (because i'm not like them) to take the joy away from me of getting closer to the God i worship. i dont have an excuse not to stay in fellowship with Jesus (i know someone snickering or rolling their eyes right now) because if i do that its like saying "i dont like what God has done for me" or "i dont care that Jesus died for me so i can go to heaven".

no human has the right not to welcome me in church because i'm 'different'. i also dont have a reason not to go to church or at least believe in God or be thankful for what Jesus has done or welcome the presence of the Holy Spirit in my daily life.

the failure of other christians (who are supposed to bring people in closer relationship to God) is not an excuse for me to be far from God.

what every woman should have and know

2007-07-05T15:21:00.000-07:00

Originally written by Pamela Redmond Satran for Glamour Magazine years ago, "30 THINGS EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE & SHOULD KNOW BY THE TIME SHE'S 30" have been posted and reposted as written by Maya Angelou, but she didn't write it. Regardless, it's a great "poem"

Feel free to share :-)

I'm posting this as "What every woman should have and know" (with some omissions and revisions for relevance)

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you've come

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you're not ashamed to be seen carrying

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…A youth you're content to move beyond

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…A past juicy enough that you're looking to forward to retelling it in your old age

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…The realization that you are actually going to have an old age—and some money set aside to help fund it

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…The belief that you deserve it

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don't get better after a certain age

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship and all those other facets of life that do get betterEVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…How to fall in love without losing yourself

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…How you feel about having kids

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…How to quit a job, break up with a man and confront a friend without ruining the friendship

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…What you would and wouldn't do for money or love

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs or not flossing for very long

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…Who you can trust, who you can't and why you shouldn't take it personally

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…Not to apologize for something that isn't your fault

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…When to try harder and when to walk away

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn't like to happen next

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…How to live alone, even if you don't like to

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…How to take control of your own birthday

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…That you can't change the length of your calves, the width of your hips or the nature of your parents

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.

winning numbers

2007-07-04T11:09:00.000-07:00

age 7 - i accepted Christ as my lord and savior
14 - i dedicated my life to God
21 - i transitioned to femaleness
24 - i transitioned back and rededicated my life
28 - i accepted my uniqueness despite my parents and churchs disapproval / i met my life partner
32 - my retransition was complete / i accepted my life partner is actually just a lifetime friend
34 - i transitioned from femaleness to womanhood, realizing and utilizing the power of femininity to my advantage leading to emotional disadvantage
35 - retransitioned, i rededicated my life to God / started a journey to emotional healing / met my soul mate, not life partner... soul mate
yes... i'm 36.

LESSONS LEARNED

2007-06-29T09:17:00.000-07:00

this past month i learned about personal priorities and motivation behind actions. a couple of situations have ensued with me and a few of my friends. frustrating to say the least... but i never once got angry enough to write them off. one friend who got mad at me and my other friends realized early on though that she, just like we do, had to change her thinking in some ways. i clarified with her that its ok if her priorities doesnt have us on the top list. i said (and others echoed) that we can respect that. we also agreed that we need to be clear with ourselves about what motivates us to do what we do.

then there was a misunderstanding "situation" that was viewed as me being a "smart-ass" and my explanation was viewed "excuses" then i was accused of "things" and my personal problem was "blasted" onto a message board amon friends. eventhough a couple of my other friends pretty much let the whole myspace world know how much they hate me (or what happened, i'm not sure) i didnt do the same. in my efforts to "turn the other cheek" and call a truce, i was, instead, continually attacked, put down, humiliated and ignored at times.

i cried about it all to God... well... i sighed and complained but no tears were shed.

so in continued prayer i kept doing my daily morning devotionals and i read these...

There is no better test of a man’s integrity than his behavior when he is wrong.
http://www.rbc.net/odb/odb-06-27-07.shtml
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm%20101&version=31;

A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.—Proverbs 16:9
http://www.rbc.net/odb/odb-06-28-07.shtml
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=James%204:13-17&version=31;

God tells us to burden Him with what burdens us.
http://www.rbc.net/odb/odb-06-29-07.shtml
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm%2032:1-7&version=31;

then i also had a great session with my therapist who helped me clear things up that:
1. i already apologized for my mistakes to my friends and reached out to make peace. it is now up to them to reciprocate if they value me.
2. what value do my friends have in my life? what do they contribute to my eternal wellbeing?
3. i am not alone in going through this, God is with me.

friends are important in our lives, in my life... they are my chosen family. but there is no need to insist on keeping people who do not value you as much as you value them or those who rejects your values or those who do not want to grow with you as a person.

i'm at peace with it all now.

moving on...

Bad Mood or Resentment?

2007-06-04T08:55:00.000-07:00

My photographer friends got mad at me for being "difficult" like Camille from one of the past America's Next Top Model cycle. It was a pretty petty thing that was just a misunderstanding of a direction they gave me.

In our discussion by email, other words were said, emotions flared, people got defensive and offensive and pretty soon the petty misunderstanding nearly ended our friendship.

We started in a good mood but ended in a very very bad mood. They pretty much said (paraphrasing here) that they resent what has happened so much that they don't even want to open the digital files from the photoshoot. I'm not surprised. I would feel the same but my attitude would change after I step back and try to understand what has just occurred.

In one of my daily devotions I read about the story of the Prodigal Son. I've heard that so many times but this time its in a different view. The younger son sinned, came back, repented and was celebrated. The older son was angry and did not want to participate in the celebration because he's always been good but never got that kind of treatment.

Similarly, I felt I've always been good and want to do good. Then this one stupid mistake happened. I can't even own up to my flaw because they don't own up to their mistake that contributed to mine. Its pride on my part. My attitude about the whole thing is "I'm sorry BUT I'm not the only one who made the mistake."

I corrected that and I apologized. Maybe its not sufficient because I havent heard from them yet.

*****

"Discontent, jealousy, bitterness, resentment, defensiveness, touchiness, and ingratitude are the dispositions that ruin our marriages, wither our children, alienate our friends, and embitter every life—including our own."

*****

2007-03-22T22:57:00.000-07:00

san francisco, september 2006, flew in late...

last call...

one more last call...

i see him...

i had to go...

international queen pageant, pattaya thailand

2007-03-20T17:30:00.002-07:00

thailand pictures

day 1, nipa pura hotel, meet and greet

view of my room at nipa pura

day 2 trip to an island for beach shoot

day 2 (?) charity fashion show

day... ?... it was fun, somewhere in the hotel lobby

one of the candidate dinners

on the beach for volleyball photo shoot

and after filming at Ripley's Believe it or not

after Erica won, dinner with producers and Mimi

my vacation in thailand, day 2, bored... napping...

day 3 on another island

back in Pattaya, thailand... whats the name of that place?

2007-03-20T17:30:00.001-07:00

last day in south beach, 3 hours before flight, spring break 2004

last day in sequoia, who goes camping looking like this? september 2005

vacation day 1, koh si chang, beach in thailand, October 2006

hollywood florida skyview of the beach

2007-03-20T17:30:00.000-07:00

from my hotel room in hollywood, florida last September 2006. i woke up for my morning coffee and devotional and saw the sun trying to break through the dark clouds out in the distance.

the toilet seat battle

2006-12-28T10:40:00.000-08:00

living with a guy is interesting for a girl like me. i've heard of couples divorcing mainly because the husband does things differently than the wife. like... squeeze the toothpaste tube from the middle and not the end. or... leave dirty clothes on the floor... or leave the toilet seat up.

the toothpaste i dont mind because we use different kinds of toothpaste. the dirty clothes, he's really good with that, its wonderful! he doesnt leave things laying around. the toilet seat... well... its not a problem. it just made me think. i've had stuff fall into it because the lid was up. the seat, its nothing new if its up. is there really a problem?

guys pee standing up for convenience, i think. some have better aim than others. some wipe any spillage, some dont. they leave it up either because they dont care about someone else using it with the seat down or for their convenience in case they need to pee again in the next 4 hours or so. whatever the reason is, i'm sure in their mind its valid.

girls pee sitting down for cleanliness... how would you like some pee sprayed all over your toilet and floor? no, right? so we keep the seat down... for our convenience in case we need to pee again in the next hour or so. we think its also better hygiene not to expose the other elements in the toilet so sometimes we even put down the lid. sure its another step for a guy to pee, but cleanliness is next to Godliness... or something like that.

so... the battle. seat up or down? for me its LID DOWN because i dont want to see it or anything fall in it. if the seat is up, i put it down, i add one step just to use it. so when its down, he lifts it up, he also takes one step for himself. its fair right?

(can you tell i dont really have anything much to write on here? i mean... life's been normal for me since this guy moved in... and i love it!)

answers to tough questions, 4 of 4

2006-11-07T09:12:00.000-08:00

…and lastly, another link, from an online encyclopedia, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transgender

“Transgender people may or may not have had medical sex reassignment therapy, also called sex reassignment surgery, and may or may not have any interest in such a procedure. In other words, not all transgender people are transsexual, although, by definition, all transsexual people are transgender.”

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transsexual

“Many psychological causes for transsexualism have been proposed; including "overbearing mothers and absent fathers", "parents who wanted a child of the other sex", "repressed homosexuality", "emotional disturbance"… Many transsexual (and also many other transgender) people assume that there is a physical cause of their transsexualism, because they claim to have had the feeling of being a girl or a boy for as long as they can remember. Several studies have shown evidence that such a physical cause may exist.”

“There is also evidence from transsexual people born between the 1930s and 1970s that a powerful synthetic estrogen known as diethylstilbestrol (DES), which was routinely used at the time to prevent miscarriage and treat morning sickness, may have contributed to disrupting the hormonal balance within the womb. Evidence suggests that an unusually high percentage of physical males whose mothers were known to have taken this medication present as transgender or transsexual, either in childhood or in later life. [12]”

There is evidently a disconnect with the practical applications of Biblical truths and Scriptural absolutes to everyday and moment by moment struggles of a transsexual person to counter act individually in-born truths and facts which were nurtured by societal/familial factors begun in an individuals nature.

1 Samuel 16:1-13 (New International Version)
New International Version (NIV)
1 Samuel 16
Samuel Anoints David
1 The LORD said to Samuel, "How long will you mourn for Saul, since I have rejected him as king over Israel? Fill your horn with oil and be on your way; I am sending you to Jesse of Bethlehem. I have chosen one of his sons to be king."
7 But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."
11 So he asked Jesse, "Are these all the sons you have?"
"There is still the youngest," Jesse answered, "but he is tending the sheep."
Samuel said, "Send for him; we will not sit down [a] until he arrives."
12 So he sent and had him brought in. He was ruddy, with a fine appearance and handsome features.
Then the LORD said, "Rise and anoint him; he is the one."
13 So Samuel took the horn of oil and anointed him in the presence of his brothers, and from that day on the Spirit of the LORD came upon David in power. Samuel then went to Ramah.
Society looks at a persons appearance which dictates/suggests who and what they are as well as how they are treated, respected, valued. As a practical application an individual must in some way conform to the standards of society in order to be an effective contributor, for acceptance, for equal and fair treatment. As a Christian, presenting oneself as a non-conformist in a church culture is unacceptable for most. There has to be a level of conformity. As a Transgender woman, one of the driving factors in transitioning is social acceptance therefore the motivation to be passable is strong.
As with any human, the outside appearance is not the totality of who they are. The inside, the true self, the soul, contributes to the wholeness of the person. God searches the heart of everyone including transgenders. God knows the motivation of each, the struggles, the predestination. Is it possible then for a transgender to conform to society’s standards of gender presentation and still be a Christian?

http://www.rbc.net/radio_and_tv/discover_the_word/31683.aspx
AVOIDING REGRET IN ETERNITY
The principle is that opportunities embraced and used lead to greater opportunities, but opportunities that are shunned will close off future opportunities to us.

answers to tough questions, 3 of 4

2006-11-07T09:11:00.000-08:00

Selections from Transsexuality/Transsexualism (Transgender)
[From a Christian ministry in the UK, http://www.parakaleo.co.uk/]

1. What is a transsexual?
The term is used to describe an apparently biologically normal individual who has an overwhelming desire to be identified as a member of the opposite sex. Increasingly such individuals seek chemical (hormone) therapy and surgery to conform their body to that of the opposite biological sex. In reality it is impossible to chemically or surgically alter one’s biological sex. Medical authorities consistently assert that sex is determined by the chromosomes.

2. What causes transsexualism?
There are no scientifically proven genetic or organic causes for transsexualism. There is much indemonstrable speculation and unsubstantiated mythology. Most serious available medical research suggests that it is a psychological condition.

4. What is Gender Identity Disorder?
The clinical (or medical) term used to describe those people who describe themselves (or self-determine) as transsexual. The term ‘transsexualism’ is a misnomer. The clinical term is more accurate as a person’s self-perceived identity is emphasized. It is a popular though misleading claim that transsexualism (Gender Identity Disorder) is now has ‘proven’ that the condition exists as a consequence of an abnormality in the brain or perhaps as a consequence of some hormonal imbalance prior to birth. Whilst some research has been conducted into the brains of deceased transsexual’s studies are limited in scope and far from conclusive. Prenatal hormonal imbalance theories are speculative. The amount of scientific research into transsexualism is limited. Research that has been conducted overwhelmingly points to causation being multi-factorial and primarily psychological in origin. Psychiatric evidence indicates that gender ambiguity can be responsive to therapies without recourse to surgery. Transsexualism therefore continues to be regarded by medical authorities as primarily an issue of personal identity, though appropriate treatment of the condition is disputed.

5. Is transsexualism homosexuality?
No. Homosexualism is the physical and/or emotional attraction to persons of the same sex, including the desire to act out that attraction. Homosexuals are normally content with their biological (given) sex. They rarely have any strong desire to change sex.

7. Are children at risk?
No. Transgendered persons are not pedophiles.

8. What is sex reassignment surgery (SRS)?
A number of surgical operations designed to conform the body to that of the opposite biological sex. Surgery is normally concurrent with chemical (hormonal) therapies that can redistribute body fat, alter skin texture and increase or reduce bodily hair. The degree of surgery or chemical therapies undertaken can very from individual to individual. It has been estimated that possibly as many as 50% of transsexuals do not actually proceed to SRS.

9. How much does surgery cost?
It varies with the amount of surgery requested. At least £7,000. (UK)

10. What happens if a person changes their mind after surgery?
Post-operative transsexuals do from time to time recognize that surgery was a mistake, or poorly performed. It is impossible satisfactorily to replace surgically removed genitalia. A measure of reparative surgery is available at considerable cost.

11. Is pre-operative counseling available?
It is, but increasingly candidates are being fast-tracked through to surgery virtually upon request with minimal or no counseling. Existing guidelines recommend at least two years living in the desired gender role. Frequently the guidelines are ignored. Diagnosis and supply of hormones is now available over the Internet.

12. Do transsexual people marry and have families?
Many transsexuals are, or have been, married. Many have fathered or mothered children. Few marriages survive transsexualism. Transsexual parents usually remain alienated from their children.

14. How many transsexuals exist in the community (UK)?
It has been estimated that there are some 5000+ postoperative transsexual people in Great Britain. These estimates are not reliable.

15. Do postoperative transsexuals live a fulfilling life?
Some apparently do. Many, however, do not and remain on various forms of support.

16. Should transsexuals be allowed to marry?
A male-to-female transsexual person can legally marry a female-to-male transsexual. As neither surgery nor hormones change a person’s biological sex a transsexual remains in their given (birth) sex. In essence, a ‘marriage’ involving a male-to-female transsexual and a biological male would be a same-sex relationship. Currently illegal, a change in the law is now being proposed.

17. How should Christians respond to transsexualism?
Transsexualism is a complex condition that is not easy for people to understand, particularly if a person is content with their own gender identity. Christians should respond as far as possible with compassion and understanding. However, transsexualism is a self-determined condition. It is unique in that the patient makes their own diagnosis – a doctor only confirms it. Genetic determination is not likely ever to be scientifically demonstrated. Evidence suggests that resolution of the underlying gender ambiguity and conflict can be slow and painful. It is only likely to be resolved with strong commitment and determination. Christians should be willing to support in every possible way the struggles of transsexual people to accept their true birth sex.

18. Shouldn’t Christians just accept people as they choose to be?
We all live in a fallen world and often we come short of God’s standards. Nevertheless, God’s created intent for humankind is made clear in the early chapters of the book of Genesis. That intent is confirmed throughout the Old and New Testaments. Jesus himself referred back paradigmatically to the creation story in Genesis. Christians experiencing scriptural new birth should expect personal wholeness to result from a commitment to being fully obedient to Christ, including any identity ambiguity. Christians should expect transformation through the work of the Holy Spirit to occur in everyone’s life in producing Christ-like lives.

answers to tough questions, 2 of 4

2006-11-07T09:08:00.000-08:00

Can I be sure that I’m going to heaven?
http://www.rbc.net/bible_study/answers_to_tough_questions/answers/30838.aspx

“Although the Bible doesn't teach that believers can lose their salvation, real believers can backslide and lose their joy… But we should distinguish between backsliding and apostasy--departing from the faith… The doctrine of eternal security as taught in Scripture is intended to comfort true Christians who want to live faithfully for Jesus Christ.”

If the Bible requires Christians to confess and forsake their sins, why don't they stop sinning completely?
http://www.rbc.net/bible_study/answers_to_tough_questions/answers/30865.aspx

“When we have faith in Christ we are instantly freed from the eternal penalty of our sin, but we can not be freed of the burden of inner sin itself except through a process -- the process of sanctification by the power of the Holy Spirit. Sanctification creates a "new man" within us in the image of Christ, a new "nature" that is drawn to life and immortality instead of death and corruption. Unlike the instantaneous event of justification, the process of sanctification continues through our entire life on earth, reaching completion only in heaven (1 John 3:2, 3 ).”

Does God hold Christians responsible for their unpremeditated and unconscious sins?
http://www.rbc.net/bible_study/answers_to_tough_questions/answers/30866.aspx

“Although the Bible distinguishes between conscious and unconscious sin, when we first put our faith in Jesus Christ, He declared us "justified." He forgave us in a legal and judicial sense. He did this once and for all, forgiving us of any and all sins: past, present, and future; conscious and unconscious.”
Do You Really Love Him?
http://www.rbc.net/utmost/index.php?day=21&month=02“We should quit asking ourselves, "Am I of any use?" and accept the truth that we really are not of much use to Him. The issue is never of being of use, but of being of value to God Himself. Once we are totally surrendered to God, He will work through us all the time.”

Complete and Effective Decision About Sin
http://www.rbc.net/utmost/index.php?day=10&month=04“…It is, however, the greatest moment in your life once you decide that sin must die in you-not simply be restrained, suppressed, or counteracted, but crucified— just as Jesus Christ died for the sin of the world.”

What can caring parents do if they learn their child is living a homosexual lifestyle? (applicable to Transgenderism)
http://www.rbc.net/bible_study/answers_to_tough_questions/answers/30766.aspx

answers to tough questions, 1 of 4

2006-11-07T09:07:00.000-08:00

crooked and straight

2006-07-05T08:52:00.000-07:00

i struggled getting my morning devotion started... my brain is juggling a lot, not stressed, but a few things up in the air... emotionally i'm on neutral, trying not to get soooooooo excited and happy because usually theres a "crash" afterwards.

this morning i read about faith... Hebrews 11:1, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." i thought thats all the devotion was about. then i kept reading to verse 7, "By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family. By his faith he condemned the world and became heir of the righteousness that comes by faith." ok. now i'm more confused... what is this about?

then the reading goes into how Noah's messages are not recorded like others but his greatest message is how he lived his life following God's orders, building the ark, obeying, which is a great example of preaching righteousness. the "nation" he lived in was just wicked compared next to him. his "straight" life was a testament without words to how "crooked" everybody else was. he didnt need to say much.

i thought that my Ex1 put a mirror to my face that let me see on my own the things i need to improve on about me, to change, to become better, good, right. and he's not a practicing believer. he's just good in a lot of ways. then i met Ex2 who's still my bf, he just doesn't know it (wink wink)... i'm trying to figure out why i'm still with him even though he believes it's a dead-end because of what we both believe in spiritually.

i see one thing for sure... malice. i tend to have a pessimistic outlook on "situations" beyond my control to be of something malicious. when i dont hear from him like he said he'd call or something, first thought is "he went to see a movie with someone" or "he could be meeting a 'friend'". i'm embarassed. he doesnt think that way, at least not that i know of. so just being proven that he's being true all the time, he is teaching me "righteousness" just by being good. and its inspiring me to be better. its metal to metal, sharpening each other, polishing, its cringe-factor to thik about it but wow...

so...

i love him for that.

5 tough dating conversations—tackled

2006-06-06T09:42:00.000-07:00

5 tough dating conversations—tackled
By Amy Spencer

Thought asking your date out in the first place was hard? Well, the road that leads to a solid relationship is dotted with plenty more hard-to-start conversations along the way. Tackled well, they’ll bring you closer as a couple. If not, they’ll make for an awfully awkward dinner. To make sure you end up in the former vs. the latter situation, we’ve asked our communication expert Laurie Puhn, J.D., author of Instant Persuasion: How to Change Your Words to Change Your Life and founder of www.lauriepuhn.com, for some talking tips on the five toughest dating topics. Heed her advice, and you’ll never be at a loss for words when you need them most.

Tough topic #1: How to tell your date your want to be exclusive

Never, ever assume
No matter how many nights a week you cuddle up for Conan together, don’t assume you’re exclusive until you talk about it. Ideally, “wait until you’re seeing each other at least two to three times a week,” says Puhn, or when sex is on the verge of entering the picture—both are logical points to pop the exclusivity question.

Frame it as a request
People rarely respond well to demands or ultimatums, so the last thing you want to do is play hardball with lines like, “I can’t see you anymore unless we’re exclusive.” The key, says Puhn, is to present your desire in an amiable way that shows you’re open to a discussion about it. Like: “I have such a good time with you, and I want to see where this relationship will go. I think we should stop seeing other people; what do you think?”

Be prepared for either answer
If your date isn’t ready to commit, you should tell him or her that you respect that—after all, the whole idea may have caught your sweetie off-guard, and you don’t want to punish the person for not immediately going for it. But this doesn’t mean your non-exclusive status should continue indefinitely. Revisit the topic in a few months and if your honey still balks, go ahead and cut ties. Calmly say, “My feelings are strong enough that I can’t continue seeing you if this isn’t exclusive.” It’s no one’s fault, so don’t treat it as such, and you leave the door open for your sweetie to maybe start missing you and change his or her mind.

Tough topic #2: How to tell your date you want to see other people

Keep it positive
So your date wants you and only you... and you don’t feel the same way. Is there a nice way to say it? Sure, provided there’s a chance you may want to commit down the road. “What your date is really asking is, ‘Are you into this?’” explains Puhn. So if you are, say so before mentioning your reservations, as in “I’m really into this, I just need more time, can you give me that?” or “I really want to get to know you better, but it’s just too soon to commit. Can we revisit this in a few months?”

Be honest…
Now, what if your goal is to remain non-exclusive... for good? “If your answer isn’t, ‘No, for now,’ but ‘No, forever,’ putting off telling the truth means the issue will only reemerge one month later, and one month after that,” warns Puhn. So bite the bullet and say, “I like you, but I’m not at a point in my life where I want a relationship in the foreseeable future.” That may hurt, but your honesty here will spare you both a lot of pain later on.

…But not too honest
Don’t fall into the trap of answering the question, “Why, who else are you seeing?” Instead say, “I really care about you, but I don’t feel comfortable talking about that.” Honesty does not mean full disclosure—and by keeping mum, you’re making it clear that you’re not dishing info about them to any other people you may be seeing.

Tough topic #3: How to dig into your sweetie's dating past

Don’t press for details on exes
Were his last three girlfriends blondes? Was her former live-in lover a moocher or Mr. Moneybags? Comments like “My friend got married last year—poor guy” will tell you everything you need to know about whether he wants to get hitched.

While these are legitimate curiosities, making your date dish specifics isn’t helpful and if anything, will just breed insecurity. Do yourself a favor, and don’t turn it into a competition: Your mate is dating you now, and that’s what really matters.

Instead, ask what he or she has learned from past relationships
Your goal should be to learn who your date is, what’s influenced him or her, how this person has grown emotionally over the years. To glean this wisdom, ask the larger — much larger — questions, like “What did you learn from your last relationship?” or “How did you feel when someone broke up with you for the first time?” “It’s not about the ex in particular,” says Puhn. “It’s about opening the door for the person to say, ‘Oh man, I thought it was the end of the world…’”

Tough topic #4: How to suss out if your honey wants to get married or have kids

Steer clear of direct questions
If you’re dying to get hitched or have kids, it’s understandable to want to see if this person has the same wish. But let’s face it: Asking “Do you want to get married someday?” sounds like you’re fishing for whether or not they want to marry you, which could make anyone feel claustrophobic. Instead, try, “How do you envision your future—say, ten years from now?” If your honey says, “I could see slowing down my career for a few years to raise my kids,” he or she has just volunteered the very info that you’d be hard-pressed to squeeze out otherwise.

Ask about other people’s relationships
This principle is similar to the “I have a friend who's got this problem…” conversational tactic (that is, when it's really you who has the problem): The more objective your questions, the more likely your date will answer honestly. Ask about your sweetie's family and about friends’ marriages. Comments like, “My friend got married last year—poor guy,” or “I love my nieces and can’t wait to have my own” say everything you need to know without setting off any serious alarm bells.

Tough topic #5: How to tell your date you're in love

Stick to the 24-hour rule
When the feeling hits, it’s hard to hold back. But consider sleeping on it for at least a day before saying those three little words, advises Puhn. Why? Because you want to be sure you mean it, and various factors (a toe-curling kiss or one Martini too many) can cloud your judgment. The last thing you want to do is have to start backpedaling.

Don’t expect an immediate “I love you” back
When you’re ready to speak up, present it as a feeling you can’t deny, but not one you expect your date to reciprocate. “Say, ‘Look, you don’t have to say anything, but I want you to know, I think I’m falling in love with you’ or ‘I’m not sure what I’m feeling, but I think I might be falling in love with you,’” suggests Puhn. If the response is, “Thanks,” or “I feel differently,” say, “That’s OK; I wasn’t expecting to hear it back. I just wanted you to know where I stand and how I feel.” This openness frees the other person to talk to you about it if and when he or she is ready.

if you know its a dead end

2006-06-03T22:12:00.000-07:00

but its still a long ways to go... would you keep going? is it the destination or the trip that matters to you?

i dont know... the romantic side of me says "just keep going. who knows. things might change at the end." but you know its a dead end. does that mean the dead end would suddenly be a continuation of the road travelled? or could it be that theres a green grassy knoll at the end? or a cliff?

but what if along the way you met some nice people, had some laughs, touched peoples lives, or your life was touched by something, someone. what if the road was bumpy and your stamina was tested making you stronger in some ways at the end? what if the road was just truly marvelous that the whole trip was worth all on its own.

i dont know... the practical side of me says "take another road, you know this one's going nowhere." its okay not to know how it would be to get to a dead end because you didnt waste any time or energy. you can put that time and energy into something you know could go somewhere. you can take another path and make something better for yourself knowing there is a greater chance than absolutely nothing.

but do we really know whats at the end of the road? we might think one path can lead to something great but if the road was full of walls, barriers, potholes, making the trip unbearable, can you still continue? if the end was mediocre, rather than great, and the trip was painful, is it all worth it? if there was nothing along the way, how great would the end actually be when theres nothing to weigh it against?

i dont know. i'm torn. conflicted. i know what i want. but i dont know if i should.

unrequited love, part 2

2006-06-02T08:30:00.000-07:00

on the way home to the pretty one's loft, the cute one asked, "so, was it really him?"
"i don't know... yeah... no... it is him. i remember his face. he just got fat."
"how can you be sure?"
"i just know."
"what happened anyway? i'm a bit lost."
"she had sex with him!" says the sexy one.
"did you really?"
"not really." says the pretty one. "we tried to be together but there was so many missed opportunities. i think thats our fate."

the sexy one remembered the story, "he was the one from that church you volunteered at. then he went to south africa or something like that."
"yeah, thats him. first he saw me at the flower shop where i did most of my initial volunteer work. he asked around about me. then i hung out with my brothers band and he did too. one night we all went up the observatory. when it got late, he wanted to go back to the dorms and i was bored and wanted to leave. my brother got a bit upset and told me to drive him home because he and the rest of the band was still going to hang out. so when we drove off he tells me he wanted to see a movie i had in my dvd collection. we went to my old apartment and hung out for a bit..."
"then you had sex with him!aaaaahhhhh!!! admit it! you did!" jokingly the sexy one says.
"let her finish!" the cute one yelled.

they all laughed. as they stepped out of the car to walk up to the pretty one's loft, she continued, "i think i have a picture of him in one of my photo albums."
"you still have them? wow. he must have meant a lot to you." says the cute one.
"i can honestly say i loved him."
"isn't it weird," says the sexy one, "it doesnt matter how gorgeous you can be, God doesnt make anyone perfect or give them perfect lives. somethings always going to be missing."

thats true, the pretty one thought. only God can make someone complete. regardless of how hard we try. thats all we can be until we are one with God at the end of our earthly lives.

she found her box of photo albums and she took them out one by one and browsed through the pages talking about each photograph; slowly fading. she talked about the other guys whom she felt deep connections with and also the ones that were present only but a moment.

"that guy was so affectionate on my sofa. we were watching this movie and he looked reallly tired so he just slowly leaned on my shoulder. he looked up at me and kissed me. we didnt have sex but something did happen. it was wonderful. we were all smiles when i drove him home. i dont rememer what we talked about. when he got out of the car and walked in the dorms, i was so happy i had to cover my face because i was smiling insanely! then i didnt hear from him for a week, two, three. i left him a message with the receptionist and i found out he already left for the missions."

"oh my God. he just left?" asked the pretty one, "i didnt know that part."

"he seemed so in love. so i didnt understand it. i sent him a letter too. i found out eventually, after he came back, he saw me cover my face in the car. he thought i was crying. he thought he ruined me because of what we did."

"oh my God. oh my God." in tears, the cute one said.

"i told him what really happened and what i did after that and he was sad. he told me he left me a message too but he found that message in his mailbox when he came back from the missions months later. i never got it. he said he left me a voice message before he left, he apologized for what he did. he didnt know at that time, my number was just a pager, no voice messages!"

"wow... you two were NOT meant to be together." the sexy one said.

"other missed opportunities happened years later. either i wasnt available or he wasnt. there was even a time that he lived with my folks. he was in the room next to mine. and still... nothing."
they were quiet. they were crying. the sexy one says, "why is it like that? i know he didnt mean to be evil or wicked. but something like that happened to me. now i wonder if that guy just screwed up the communications and now i dont know. now i'm so guarded, like i have to be up in my game all the time."

"thats so stressful. i feel the same." says the cute one. "i can't let them fool me or make me feel awful about myself."

"i didnt know thats what happened with me and him," says the pretty one, "but i had to let it go eventually. i learned from that. i learned to trust that God has a reason for everything that happens and i may not understand it at the moment but later on... i mean... look at where i'm at now? i have met and been in a relationship with two wonderful guys who have given me so much, in my personal life. so it didnt last long, but a lot of good has happened too."

she stopped at one page in the burgundy faux-leather bound photo album. there was a scent of old musty papers emanating from it. the edges of the page was brown from oxidation. the plastic cover on the photographs were peeling off because the mild adhesive has dried. the photographs in the page were slightly faded. in the middle photograph was a group of people.

the background was colorful with exotic flowers, faux-stone painted walls and columns, art-deco light fixtures and purple velvet swags. on the far left was a short latino man, next to him was an old white man, a tall and young latino, a pretty asian girl leaning next to a tall young white man with fair skin and a touch of golden tan, short-cropped reddish blonde hair, grayish blue eyes and a big handsome smile on his face, a tall middle aged looking skinny man with red hair and freckles, another latino and on the far right is a short old white man with dark hair, glasses and a beard.

the three girls were quiet. they looked at the page and a tear dropped on the plastic sheet covering the photographs.

the cute one turned away and laid flat on the floor with her face on her hands.

the sexy one turned away and sat down with arms wrapped around her knees to her chest and face down.

they were crying.

the pretty one sat there and looked at the young man with the handsome smile.

"that's him."

unrequited love, part 1

2006-05-11T11:27:00.000-07:00

"oh my gosh! thats so embarassing! stop it!" the sexy girl tells the cute girl as they all laugh and giggle. waiting for their food to arrive, the girls joke around; about each other, about others, about the whole night.

it's been a long day. coming from work, straight to rehearsal, feeling like time has been wasted sitting around watching amateurs learn how to walk the runway and hearing a wannabee designer yell out what a model should be, should do, "we came here to be professionals so i expect you to look like one and act like one! you need to come prepared to walk with the shoes you're supposed to wear!"

"that's stupid... we dont even know who the designers are and the type of clothes, much less what kind of shoes to wear." the pretty one whispers to the two when they were waiting for rehearsal to start. "i know that designer. i would listen to him if his dresses are great but he doesnt even know what the word zipper or buttons mean... first time i modelled for him, he had stretchy tube dresses without closures! he expected girls to just slink into them."

the sexy one reacts, "oh my gosh, i hope i dont model for him... my hips wont fit."

back in the restaurant, the food arrives... pungent panang curry, steamed rice, for the two, and a big bowl of chicken soup for the pretty girl. they begin to eat when a couple walked in and stared at the direction of the girls. the sexy one began to feel uncomfortable, "the guy keeps staring at me."

"who?" the cute girl asked

"the guy with the cap"

"what guy?"

"the one at two tables behind you to your left"

"dont look now!" the pretty girl whispered to them. "wait a minute" she continues, "he looks familiar. i think i know him."

she looks at the young man and he looks back at her and slightly nods with a blank look in his face. she glances at the girl sitting across the young man but she wasnt looking. she was looking down at the table. she looked uncomfortable too.

the young man had grown out ash blonde hair and grayish blue eyes. his skin was pale with some scattered freckles but not white as if the sun forgot about it. it had a golden tint to it. perhaps it was the golden hair on his arm, reflecting the light in the restaurant. he did not look well kept so she thought it couldnt be the same man she's thinking about. this young man had a ball cap, loose gray tank top and a hooded sweater, faded olive jogging pants, the kind where the knee part bubbles up from being stretched out, and worn rubber shoes.

the young man she remembers was well groomed with short cropped blonde hair, always in dress shirts and dockers with casual dress shoes. sometimes he wore jeans and a tshirt but not as unkempt as this.

could he be the same man that she met almost ten years ago? the young man who didnt know who she was and didnt care when he found out what kind of a girl she was... could he be the one who challenged her beliefs about faith, love, and relationships? could he be the one she thought could be her life partner because of how he professed his love to her? the young man could not be him. he got married, moved away, far away, and still tried to get her but it was the wrong time for both of them so nothing could happen to how they felt for each other. but he could be that same young man.

maybe he's not sure that she is the one he met almost ten years ago... the one who was oblivious to how men saw her, the one with the short bobbed dark, almost black hair. she was delightful and light and airy. she was smiling all the time as if there is nothing wrong with the world around her. she was plain and simple with a fresh attitude, open to new things, starting life again after a troubled earlier years. but now the girl he sees is a young woman with dark burgundy brown hair cascading down to the small on her back. her cheeks kissably bronzed and eyes captivating with dark mascara, her lips glistening with a nude gloss, her ears invitingly decorated with silver dangling earrings barely touching her collar bone, exposed glowing brown skin enticing one to come close and smell the fragrant brown sugar scent of her perfume.

he must have wondered if she's the same girl he felt an instant connection with because they shared similar pasts but reclaimed through faith. he loved her truly but circumstances kept them from coming together completely as one. he must have wondered if this is the same girl whose skin he caressed so gently one night wishing there could be more between them. she must be, he could have thought. she must be.

he glanced at her again and nodded. this time, with a glimmer in his eyes as if to say, "hello. its nice to see you again". and then she was sure.

"thats him. remember the guy i told you about, the one from the church i used to go to?"
the sexy one, with a puzzled look on her face, asks, "which guy? you've had so many." they all chuckled and the cute one made the embarassing sound again.

"stop it! you're so embarassing!" the pretty girl laughed.

is jesus an immigrant

2006-05-01T14:51:00.000-07:00

it was 2 p.m. on a sunday afternoon in sunny san diego. this is the south part of town and the weather is perfect. people are going about their day. some are out to go shopping, some are out because they slept in after a night of partying, and some are out from the local church. some people are going into mexico for an afternoon and some are coming back or coming in. it was a full day it seemed not with activities but people.

an old lady sat in a booth at her favorite restaurant. sitting. doing nothing. quietly. an old man walked in and she looked up at him and her face lit up. he sat down next to her. "interesting." the young woman across from her thought to herself. that looks awkward. he should sit across from her on the other side of the table. if he sat next to her, then why didn't he kiss her. that would show that they are involved with each other like a husband and wife or maybe even dating. "that's cute." she thought to herself if they were dating. old people can date too.

the waitress walked up to them smiling and took their orders quickly as if she already knew what they would order. they seem to have exchanged pleasantries longer than deciding what to order. there was a sense of familiarity with the three of them. when she walked away, the old man touched the womans gray hair, peeking through her sunday hat which she seemed to have crocheted herself. it was old rose in color slightly off hued with her knitted sweater. she had a young aura about her. then he touched her cheek and she looked down and smiled. the young woman smiled too and thought to herself, "how sweet. his calloused hands from years of hard work it seems and her delicate fading beauty that seemed to be yearning from his touch." it must have been years since they've seen each other or perhaps they're not supposed to see each other. could this be a stolen moment? stolen from someone else?

moments passed and the two were sitting there talking quietly. not really looking at each other but not avoiding each others gazes either. there were no more touching or caressing or smiling. just talking. talking with genuine attentiveness. not intent looks just listening looks on their faces as if the topic at hand is weighty but not depressing. just important enough to keep both focused. the waitress came back with their food and the young woman heard her say "de nada". "de nada?" she thought to herself. isnt that a spanish word? could it be that the couple are hispanic descent? that would make sense she realized.

it's not part of the old hispanic generation to show affection to each other especially in public. his calloused hand gently caressing her could be from all the years of manual labor perhaps gardening a rich family's yard or doing dishes at this same restaurant. she on the other hand with her homely presence could have been living across the border bringing up their children while preserving her beauty for when the proper time comes. the proper time would be when he is finally free from labor and free to be a husband to her, present, authentic, genuine. present. same time and space as she is in. this is where her yearning could come from; years of his absence, years of momentary meetings like this. "tragic." the young woman thought to herself.

the old woman opened her purse while the man continued to eat. she pulled out a rosary and gave it to him. he looked at it and put it inside his shirt pocket that appeared to be fraying from whatever he would always hold inside that pocket. the crucifix can almost be seen through. the shape of Jesus on the cross is quite visible when the light shining through the window next to them hits the side of his pocket. "how beautiful." she thought to herself. this old couple holding on to each other in mind and holding on to their faith all these years. the man must have come to San Diego without papers to save his family from poverty and hardship across the border. the old woman trusts him that he will provide for them even if she doesnt see him all the time. she believes in him.

the young woman began to think. there seems to be a connection here. the old man did what Jesus did; the Jesus in his pocket came here without papers to save lives. the one that conservative people believe in and worship came here and they accepted him on his own words and because of his work. but its the same people that do not want these other immigrants to come here and work and save their family. "what a shame." she thought to herself. they should be able to live her an contribute to our society and the same time help their family wherever they are. she noticed herself sinking into her seat. feeling sullen. she then sat up, took a deep breath and looked outside the window.

outside she saw someone on a bicycle almost scratch her rear view mirror on her SUV. she got upset thinking she works hard to pay for that vehicle. how dare someone not care about it. she thought about her job. how much she hates it. then she thought about what she's going to wear to work on monday. she felt anxious. she thought "something going on tomorrow that i seem to be forgetting about." she looked at her blackberry. "may 1" she said, then she put it back in her purse.

the reality of a recent past

2006-04-11T09:43:00.000-07:00

An instant message popped up on her screen, “After all this time I'm back in iraq, for the 3rd time,finally I'm able to connect,. still luckly alive after a couple of incidents. Just saying hi,hope everything is ok, I talk to you later.”

“William?” she immediately replied.

He answers “yes ma'm”

“Oh my goodness! I'm glad you're alive!”

“Im alright, not the same but I can tell you I love life more than anything. How are you?”

“I'm ok, doing well, living in hollywood again.”

“How is it?”

“Its fun here.” She replied.

“Thats nice to hear”

With sadness she asked, “I was wondering what happened to you. I thought you went back to your hometown.”

“After the last time I saw you,” he began to answer, “that week I got into a car accident.”

Her heart dropped to her stomach and her mouth opened to gasp for air in shock.

“I went to the trauma center, some rehab, then I went back to the marines…got out, actually we got deployed again but only for 2 months to do security for some political stuff that was happening. We went back to California then got out again. I went home for 3 months and a contracting company hired me to work here in Baghdad as a civilian.”

“Oh my... I'm so sorry to hear that…” with self disgust she realized how wrong she has been in thinking he just used her for his pleasure and entertainment and did not really care for her like she thought he presented himself to be.

“I was selfish to think you just left and didnt care to tell me anything” she regretfully said. “I missed you a lot and i was very sad i didnt hear from you again”

He replied “I really didnt want to do that… I was loving life with you, but after the car accident I was a different person”.

Her eyes welled up with tears she held back from shedding for nearly a year. With fear she asked, “How different are you now? Are you married?”

“No im not, still single… I got hurt so bad that I dont have the same endurance, I’m not strong like before… I lost a lot of weight and it took for ever to get back in the gym.”

She remembered his stature; a towering figure of a man, almost three times her body size, shoulders so broad, his arms bigger than her thighs, his thighs as big as her waist, his legs like tree trunks with strength to carry her all day, skin browned by the middle eastern sun, hair thick and dark and wavy, and face that suits that of an angel… he seemed like he was cast from a statue of a greek warrior.

There was nothing she could mutter to express her grief for him… “I'm glad youre alive though. I always prayed for your safety.” It was all she can say.

“Thank you. That means a lot to me. I went back home cause i was feeling lonely on that rehab and I couldnt take it being at home doing nothing.”

She paused, thinking about how humbling it would have been for him. Awkwardly she asked, “How long are you in iraq for this time?”

“Its a contract for a year, I get to go on vacation every 4 months and every 60 days if I want I can take not paid vacations…”

“well thats good,” she replied. “You can see your abuela back home… or is it abuelita ?”

Seemingly with a smile he answered, “Si mi abuelita, I will go home later on. For now I feel like doing some traveling… like the company pay free to go to Dubai,” his accent reflected in his typing, “cause thats how we get here so I feel like sight seeing there, and go somewhere else before I get to do my life again somewhere steady.”

“Thats great, see the world, experience life.” With excitement for him her genuine care for him and her nurturing instincts awoke, “Thats good to hear, you're young, theres a lot waiting for you…”

He answered with a smiling face “lets see what happens”

Again she paused sensing her own regret, looking for validation that her feelings for him in the past had meaning. She says, “It was great spending time with you.”

“It is wonderful spend time with you…” he replied without hesitation

“I didnt think you were serious at first, i thought you were just playin me… but getting to know you in person those 2 months… it felt like you were my boyfriend”

“I wasn't playin you… and I thought I was…”

“I know now and i'm glad” she replied back with a lighter heart.

“I would love it to be that way again”

“I waited for you to come back… now i understand”

“Sorry…” was all he could say.

“Its ok. you were in a serious accident,” she thinks to herself how awful of her to think those things of him. She remembered thinking what if he got into an accident. There is no solid tie between the two of them that she would be contacted if anything like that would happen. She remembers praying for God to keep him safe. “I wish i could have been there for you. To help you get better…”

He was silent. She remembered him being silent when she told him something very thoughtful before and he didn’t know how to respond. He was shy with people who cared deeply for him. He only knows his grandmother’s true love for him. Although he truly loved being with her, he wasn’t accustomed to being cared for by someone with genuine interest for his well being. He becomes silent and changes the topic. She also remembers that what he lacks for in words he compensates for with his actions. He changes the subject but he holds her hand and pulls her close as if to say “thank you” and “I don’t know how to let you know I really appreciate it”. He becomes awkward but adorable.

He changed the topic after a pause. He talked about an online program for phone-type communication that is better than what instant messenger offers. He asked her to look into it so they can talk in the future.

“I look like a real civilian now,” he continues. “No shave, long hair, I dress like whatever… the marine look is gone.”

“Handsome i'm sure” she complimented. He replied with blushing “smiley-face”. “Long hair?” she asked…

“Not long long… but a lot longer than when u saw me.”

She remembered running her fingers through his hair one night. He drove 2 hours to see her, exhausted from training all day, quickly he dozed off into slumber, comforted by her touch.

“I still think about you…” she says.

“I dont know how to say it… but me too.”

She realized her feelings for him is coming back but she has something she needs to tell him about how she is now, “Well, thats all it can be, and i'm ok with it” she replies.

“Right now, I just do what Im supposed to do everyday and let life guide me towards where I need to go.”

With gladness she answers “Thats good.” She began feeling relief. “You helped me learn how to trust a man, by following through with your words. Everytime you said you will visit, i took that as the truth, and you were true… it was very good… and the fact that you are very handsome and kind and sweet was a great plus.”

He writes back “I dont know if I ended up in Hollywood,” a smile follows… and another… and a wink.

Blushing she replies “I dont know how that would work now…” she sees the opportunity to say what she needs to.

He types more blushing faces…

She took a deep breath, held back the thoughts of what could be, and said, “I just started a new relationship… I didnt know if you were coming back. i waited as long as i could.”

He was silent.

She closed her eyes hoping he would not say anything to try and persuade her to leave her relationship and get back together with him. Thoughts rushed through her head of how wonderful this man is but she knows that the man in her life right now has the same values that she holds in highest regards. What’s more important to her? A man of great physical stature and kindness or a man of good stature but a greater character and values?

He replied, “Well…”

He continues, “Thats good,everybody has to move on… thats how life is.”

“But i want to stay friends with you,” she tries to comfort him because she thinks he needs it. “I understand how it can be away from home, in another country, with a lot of things happening.”

“Me too. I want to stay friends with you too.”

“You're very special to me and i want to keep it that way.”

He answers, “Im glad to hear that, you will always be special to me. I will keep it that way.” He sends another smiley-face.

She states her full name and he sends more smiles. She continues, “I'm very glad you're alive and well.”

“Thats what they said, that I was a walking miracle.”

“Maybe you can tell me another time. i want to hear it but i'm at work right now.” Her reality has now set in. He is a different person now. She is a different person now as well.

“Is ok, I have to go to, Im gona gear up so I can start walking home.”

“ok.” She answers, “i'm so glad you messaged me… i hope to hear from you again...”

He replied, “you will, Im happy to hear you… have a nice day and thank you…”

He sends a hug, a smile, and a kiss.

Her heart was smiling.

This is one man she knew only online for 9 months while he was in Iraq. The few conversations they had online established a special connection. There was no dirty talk. It was authentic in efforts of getting to know each other. When he came back to California he made an effort to see her as often as he could considering the demands of being in the military. She constantly feared for his safety not only out of the country but also in the military base. Knowing that she is a special kind of woman, he was in danger of violence from his peers. The time they spent together was brief but meaningful. She purposefully kept herself “pure” from him to test him; to see if he really cares for her. He has asked her to be his girlfriend but she refused thinking he only said that to be intimate with her. He asked her to come to his hometown with him to be introduced to his grandmother. Again she refused. He was truthful. She was doubtful. Now she knows he was true.

Her faith came to mind; God wanted it this way. She sees that a man can be trusted. The past hurt from men is the past. She needs to practice discerning who is trustworthy and who is not. He learned that there are good women who are special like her. He learned to be cared for by someone and to appreciate it. She is sure that the man in her life right now is what her fate has for her.

And she is glad about it.

4 Signs That a Man's Ready for Marriage -- and 4 That He's Not

2006-04-06T09:26:00.000-07:00

4 Signs That a Man's Ready for Marriage -- and 4 That He's Not
by Sherry Amatenstein for iVillage
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Men and marriage -- ever wonder what it takes to get the two together? If you're trying to get your boyfriend to make a commitment, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you can stop trying to manipulate, sweet-talk or pressure him into proposing. The bad news is that there's nothing you can do to speed up the process. That's not to say it'll never happen. Men fall in love and get married every day. But men have their own biological clocks. When they're ready, they head down the aisle -- but not a moment sooner. In the meantime, it's not possible to convince a commitment-phobic guy that you're the best thing that will ever happen to him -- even if you are! Instead, your best bet is looking for someone who doesn't need convincing.

The Sex and the City gang once compared a marriage-ready man to a taxi: At a certain point in his life, he becomes ready for commitment. His "available" light goes on and the next lady in his life gets the ring. Luckily for us, it's easy to tell the difference between a man who's got the light on and one who's just driving around in the dark. As evidence, here are four hints that a man has present-day potential to become a mate for life:

His Oat-Sowing Days Are Over

According to John Malloy, author of Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others, which details the results of a survey of 2,500 men, the singles scene no longer appeals to a man who is ready to marry. Malloy interviewed men from ages 17 to 70 who were about to marry; all admitted they felt increasingly out of place in the bars, pool halls and dance clubs that were once their favorite hangouts.

Joe T., a 30-year-old married computer technician in Denver, confirms, "For years I spent every Friday night at a singles bar till I realized I was just pretending to have fun drinking and smoking and hitting on pretty girls who weren't interested. The thought of staying home and chilling seemed much more appealing." Rob F's epiphany came via a shocking realization. The 36-year-old recently married lawyer from New York recalls, "I started not wanting to bed models because I'd have to struggle through a conversation afterward."

He's Financially Independent

Tina Tessina, Ph.D., a California psychotherapist, explains, "Men do have a biological clock, but their timing is different from women. Most men's priorities tend to be focused on winning financial security before having a family. If he's still struggling to pay his bills, he's not going to want to add the burden of supporting a wife." To take it further, the man you're looking for is a grown-up -- someone who can be counted on. He's able to commit to a job, not to mention family and friends. On the romantic front, even if he's not ready to wed right away, he's at least able to discuss the concept of commitment.

Julia, a 27-year-old Philadelphia paralegal, says, "I had a definite type: ski bums and musicians who waited tables to make money. They were sexy as hell, but I was expected to pay for most dates and they'd be reluctant to ask me out for New Year's, never mind the rest of my life. I was miserable. Something had to change." That "something" was her type: The next time Julia went to a singles dance, she tried something new. Instead of seeking out a drummer with six-pack abs, she met an accountant. He may have lacked a hard body, but he did have a loving heart and a steady job and, most importantly, the urge to merge. They're planning a wedding.

He's Discovered His Desire to Be a Dad

Carol Morgan, a Boca Raton matchmaker (www.carolmorgan.com), observes, "He's ready for marriage when he stares longingly at kids and suggests you would have beautiful children." [Editor's note: I'll say!] If your man isn't as straightforward, take a cue from John Malloy, who says, "Most men want to be young enough to teach their sons to fish and play ball and do the male-bonding thing." His research has found that age can have a great effect on a man's attitude toward marriage. Most college-educated men don't consider marriage as a serious possibility until age 26. In fact, they enter a phase of high commitment between the ages of 28 and 33. Men who've gone on to graduate school -- doctors, lawyers, etc. -- hit their commitment-peak phase during ages 30 to 36. But Malloy says that once a single man hits 37, the chances that he'll marry start to fade. And after his 43rd birthday, he'll probably remain a bachelor for life.

That's not to say that a man won't catch marriage/fatherhood fever later in life. Mitch J. was 39 when he started seriously wanting a child. The problem for the Los Angeles film publicist: His live-in girlfriend had two children from a previous marriage and no intention of becoming pregnant ever again. Mitch recalls agonizing: "If I stay, I know I will have a good relationship and a stable future. If I leave, who knows if I'll ever find a woman I really love and who wants children." Finally, he chose to leave. Within a year he met Pauline. They're now married and have a baby girl.

He's Your Boyfriend in Name -- Your Husband in Spirit

April Masini, author of Date Out of Your League, explains, "When a man is ready to become a husband -- your husband -- he starts acting like a husband. For instance, he will make plans for the future, introduce you to his friends and family, and not only call you daily but want to tell you the details of his day and have a desire to hear about yours."

Carol Morgan adds, "He's honest and open, and when you enter the room he doesn't immediately make his computer screen go black so you can't see what he's doing. He'll even -- gasp! -- let you answer the phone [at his place]." And if he makes room for you in his closet, baby, your single days are numbered. He'll also listen when you tell him that you're ready for marriage. Malloy says that the key finding in his book about men and marriage was this: "Seventy-three percent of the women coming out of marriage-license bureaus with their future husbands told us that they put pressure on their man to get a proposal. In most cases, this pressure didn't involve an attempt to manipulate their man into marrying them but was simply a result of telling their man what they were feeling."

If you're not sure about your guy's intentions, take notice of the way he acts and, more importantly, the way he talks about your future. If he's making promises but hasn't delivered in a reasonable amount of time, or if he objects to any talk about your future at all, his prospects for becoming a groom are probably pretty grim. But don't just assume he's not ready. Be direct with him and tell him how you feel. Then you'll know exactly where you stand. If he's not ready, he's not ready. In that case, better to move on to a man who is. Who knows if he'll be flashy, but his "available" light will certainly sparkle.

He's Not Marriage Material If He:

1 # Says he has no interest in tying the knot.

Instead of trying to change his mind, believe him and move on.

2 # Buys a Porsche.

Or other high-end items that no man saving up for a ring or a future would purchase. Carol Morgan says, "If he acts financially immature and irresponsible, he's thinking 'me,' not 'we.'"

3 # Calls his married friends "losers."

If he wants to couple up, he considers a man and a woman building a future together beautiful, not pathetic.

4 # Continually makes you cry.

And they're not tears of happiness. If he's unreliable, abusive, a liar, cheat and/or uber-flirt, divorce yourself from this relationship before it takes a trip to court to do so.

some irish blarney about dating

2006-03-15T08:54:00.000-08:00

Dating blarney: Busted!
By Kimberly Dawn Neumann

In the spirit of applying the luck of the Irish to your love life, we’ve gathered an array of dating blarney we’d like to see permanently obliterated. Learn what our experts have to say, and you may soon be on your way to finding relationship gold that’s not hidden at the end of the rainbow.

Bit of blarney #1: There’s no such thing as love at first sight.
Reality: Actually, there is... but interestingly, it happens more often for men than for women. “Men can fall in love instantaneously when they lay eyes on someone attractive because they’re so visual,” says Dr. Helen Fisher, a noted anthropologist at Rutgers University and author of Why We Love. Women, on the other hand, are biologically programmed to “fall” differently: Since women aren’t as visual, they’re slower to feel smitten. “Women at least have to talk to the person!” she says.

Bit of blarney #2: Men should always pay for a first date.
Reality: If a woman invites you, you are her guest and she pays. “Stop the diving-for-the-wallet dance,” says etiquette expert Gloria Starr. “The person who asks is the person who pays. Women can and should plan dates.” But Starr cautions against going Dutch from square one—let one person or the other pay. She says that dividing the check is a bad way to begin a new relationship, because it sends a message that neither one of you is investing in the bond.

Bit of blarney #3: Single women rearrange their schedule to see a guy they like.
Reality: “In a study of hundreds of Americans, we found that men were more likely to change their patterns and habits to be available for women,” says Dr. Fisher. So, if a man is interested in a woman, he might actually be the one waiting by the phone or obsessively checking his email so that he can redo his schedule to see his sweetie.

Bit of blarney #4: If a guy doesn’t immediately show his interest, he doesn’t really like you.
Reality: Actually, the reverse is more likely to be true. If a guy likes you and doesn’t want to mess things up, he’s more likely to move slowly. “Some of the worst dating disasters I’ve heard of involve men who dazzle with their insistence that you’re ‘The One’ right after they meet you,” says Dalma Heyn, therapist and author of Drama Kings: The Men Who Drive Strong Women Crazy. “You feel flattered and thrilled, get intimate, and then he’s gone! He only wanted to woo you, not win you.”

Bit of blarney #5: Play hard-to-get to land a man.
Reality: This belief usually goes hand-in-hand with some others, like a woman should never call a man, always pretend to be busy, and never say yes to a date unless it’s far in advance, right? Wrong. When it comes to dating, there are no hard-and-fast rules to follow,” says Joni Mantell, a psychotherapist and love coach who practices in New York and New Jersey. Yes, hard-to-get can be a quality that confident people possess—confident people are more discerning. “But fake confidence or toughness creates distance,” cautions Mantell. Develop confidence and your own rules, and the right partner will get you, difficult or not!

Bit of blarney #6: It’s always a mistake to date someone at work.
Reality: “It often works, if you are smart about it,” says Ronna Lichtenberg, author of Pitch Like a Girl: How A Woman Can Be Herself And Still Succeed. Lichtenberg suggests some ground rules: Don't date more than one person interoffice, and only go for it when the chemistry is definitely there—i.e., do not use your cubicle as a regular pick-up joint. Of course, you should stick to common sense and corporate rules regarding boss-subordinate dating. Make sure you both agree beforehand on what you’ll tell your coworkers. Finally, Lichtenberg advises, “Don’t do it if you are prone to bad break-ups. And don’t lie—you know if you are.”

Bit of blarney #7: Sex is just an animal urge for men.
Reality: Actually, Dr. Fisher says that men tend to regard sex as more intimate than women. “It’s easier for a woman to find someone to have sex with her if she wants it,” she says. “For women, sex is a real gift to men. Men have to do the courting, so when they get sex, they feel a closeness because they’ve ‘earned’ it,” says Dr. Fisher. Too bad that doesn’t always extend to the post-coital cuddle!

Bit of blarney #8: Women can’t deal when a relationship ends.
Reality: Studies show that three out of four people who become extremely upset and take drastic measures post-break-up are men. Says Dr. Fisher, “It’s a myth that women take break-ups harder!” Sure, women are bummed (enter weepy movie marathons and Chubby Hubby), but since more guys are raised without the tools to deal with their feelings, they tend to be the ones who actually flip out after a bad break-up. Lesson learned? Toss a pint of ice cream to your guy friends who are mourning a break-up, too.

Love: 10 crazy scientific facts

2006-03-08T11:44:00.000-08:00

Love: 10 crazy scientific facts
By Laura Schaefer

1. It’s like looking in a mirror! It turns out we all have a little something in common with Narcissus—the mythical fellow who fell in love with his own reflection. Scientists at the University of Liverpool recently concluded that our brains favor people with familiar faces. The research team asked over 200 participants to view a number of digitally altered human faces. They found that subjects preferred the features they found the most familiar—whether that means his or her own visage or that of a family member. This may explain that common phenomenon of couples looking like they could be siblings.

2. Manner, schmanners: Go ahead and stare. Another new study says that when a woman walks into a room, she is considered more attractive if she turns her eyes directly toward a certain man. Men would rate the same woman as less desirable if she doesn’t make strong eye contact. In this study, conducted at Dartmouth University, lead researcher Malia Mason had male participants sit and view a series of faces of fashion models, digitally enhanced to either be gazing toward or away from the participant. The study authors asked the viewer to rate the likeability of each model and found that those who turned away were seen as less agreeable. The study’s researchers went on to suggest that a woman’s gaze can be a powerful arousal cue and that our impressions are largely formed by nonverbal communications such as eye contact. So start locking eyes, ladies!

3. You’ll know it when you see it. A recent study at the University of Pennsylvania reveals that regardless of what people say they are looking for in a dating situation, they don’t need a lot of time with or information about a person to tell if they’re interested. Single people’s behavior suggests that individuals know “it” (a person who appeals to them) when they see it—almost instantly. Lead researcher Robert Kurzban and his colleagues studied data from 10,000+ daters. They found that men and women assessed potential compatibility within moments of meeting, using primarily visual cues such as age, height, and attractiveness. Says Kurzban, “Somewhat surprisingly, factors that you might think would be really important to people — like religion, education, and income — played very little roles in their choices.”

4. Listen up. The next time you call up a potential love match, pay special attention to how they sound. Researchers at the University of Albany had 149 men and women rate the attractiveness of a series of recorded voices on a scale from 1 to 10. The researchers also gathered information about the sexual histories of the people whose voices they recorded. They found that the voices found to be the most appealing belonged to people who had sex at an earlier age, had more sexual partners, and were more prone to infidelity than those rated as having less appealing voices. So know that what’s a seductive voice to you may be linked to a person with a bit of a past…

5. I couldn’t help it baby, it’s in my genes. There may be a genetic component to infidelity, says a professor at the Twin Research Unit at St. Thomas’ Hospital, London. This is based on the fact that if one twin exhibits infidelity, the other twin strays 55% of the time. In the general population, the number is 23%. The tendency to remain faithful is a component of personality, the scientist elaborates, which is governed both by a number of genes and societal factors.

6. It’s official. Love makes us crazy. For one, it causes serotonin levels in the brain to drop, which may lead people to obsess about their lover. (The levels of serotonin, a chemical produced by the body, are also low in people who have obsessive-compulsive disorder.) Next, it ramps up production of the stress hormone cortisol, leading to slightly higher blood pressure and possible loss of sleep. Finally, a scientist at the University of London has found that when people look at their new loves, the neural circuits that are usually in charge of social judgment are suppressed. All in all, love kind of leaves you obsessive, stressed, and blind. And we love it.

7. Why broken hearts hurt... A recent UCLA study suggests the psychological hurt of a break-up is just as real as a physical injury. Two areas of the brain that respond to physical pain also become activated when a person is dealing with social pain, such as being dumped. The study’s authors used an MRI to monitor brain activity in participants while they played a game simulating social rejection. The researchers believe that the pain of being rejected may have evolved as a motivating force that led humans to seek out social interaction, which is crucial for the survival of most mammals.

8. Blushing is best. If we take our cue from apes, rosy cheeks are crucial in the dating game, says a new study. Scientists at Stirling University in Great Britain have found that primates prefer mates with red faces. A rosy glow might also act as a similar cue in humans, say the British researchers, sending a message of good health. They speculate that it could explain why women use blusher.

9. Kiss this way. Did you know there is a “right” way to kiss? People are more likely to tilt their heads to the right when kissing instead of left, says a report published recently in the journal Nature. A scientist from Ruhr University in Germany analyzed 124 pairs of smoochers and found that 65 percent go toward the right.

10. Meet for drinks before dinner. Researchers at NYU and Stanford have discovered that hungry men prefer heavier women. By staking out a dining hall, scientists had hundreds of students fill out questionnaires about their preferences in a mate. Men who filled out the questionnaire just before they entered the hall described their ideal woman as an average of three or four pounds heavier than men interviewed after they ate. Incidentally, researchers did not find the same change in women’s preferences, so guys: Go ahead and schedule that drinks date for before or after dinnertime.

make what you can...

2006-03-08T08:48:00.000-08:00

i read my daily devotional this morning and i thought about it... "Live today with the courage God gives you. Make what you can of your afflictions. But rejoice, because all that degrades and limits you is only temporary. It will be gone—some of it sooner rather than later." That can mean so many things... i read it as my gender identity situation. it's an issue for some, a crisis for others, a sin for most. it's a lot of things for me... i am not going to let this keep me from living, i'm going to use it to fulfill my destiny.

then i thought about my niece how she has a skin condition. she itches due to allergens, some food, and because of stress. she has an inborn tendency for an anxiety disorder. she's a perfectionist, an overachiever, competitive girl. she also has a problem emphatizing; she tends to absorb and internalize things to the point of near depression, although momentary, that she recently told a classmate something to the effect that she wants to kill herself. she's barely 7 years old.

her mom shared with me this because i asked how are the girls doing in school... she said they already spoke with a counselor in school and thats how they learned about her difficulty emphatizing. they will be working on that closely because suicidal ideation at a young age is very concerning. apparently she's been butting heads with a classmate ever since she started at that school. i dont know what else has been going on but she told someone who told their parent and the parent talked to her mom, my sister.

my niece, on her first Christmas on earth she was suffering from a hole in one of her vital reproductive organs that would keep her from conceiving in adulthood, her parents were fighting about something, my niece is in my arms crying, my sister is screaming and angry, the husband is drunk about to drive off in the truck and run us all over... i intervened. or did i interfere with destiny? he stayed, calmed down, they talked... its been a struggle in the marriage often. this little girl now growing up, has seen that...

her younger sister is a determined, intelligent, very bossy 4 year old... she's taking after her mom. we're praying for her...

my niece may grow up with all these hurdles in life, in this life, but as long as she is reminded of the hope for a future, a hope for eternal life with a new body, gets the courage everyday, every moment to make what she can, in Christ, with her 'afflictions'... she will thrive, live, succeed, and live a happy life.

---------------------
Life is hard for everybody, but it's much harder for some than for others. Putting our trust in Christ as our Savior does little to change that. Nothing in the Bible promises us a free pass merely because we are Christ's followers. In fact, some of our wounds may not heal and some of our deficiencies may not be corrected during our lifetime. They may even get worse. Yet our deformities and weaknesses are only temporary.

Anticipating what God has in store for us can put a smile in our heart. Hope gives us poise and lets us live with inner strength, because we know that one day we will be dramatically different than we are now.

If you are in some way damaged by past abuse or feeling defeated by sin, or if you feel so inferior to others that you walk with your eyes to the ground, take heart in what God has in store for you. Live today with the courage God gives you. Make what you can of your afflictions. But rejoice, because all that degrades and limits you is only temporary. It will be gone—some of it sooner rather than later.

If you have a living hope in Christ, you can deal with your past because of your future. God's glorious best for you lies ahead. —Haddon Robinson

-----------------------

OUCH OUCH OUCH

2006-03-02T07:46:00.000-08:00

my family have asked me this, friends have asked me this, strangers or strange guys at clubs have asked me this, guys online have asked me this... "how can a beautiful girl like you be single" or "there is no way in hell that you're not taken"... however, more often, guys assume i'm single or they dont care, they just want to know if they can "hit it" or "hook-up" or other cheap effort to have sex. so am i single? what does being single mean? if you mean to ask if i have a boyfriend, i will have to ask, define boyfriend... if you mean why i'm not married, i'll ask, is it legal for a tgirl to marry a man... if you mean am i dating someone, then the answer is yes. does that make me single? no... at least i don't think so... right? sorry, i'm just learning to chill about the thinking process that often engulfs me with relationship things. i'm just beginning to appreciate things as they are...
---------------------------------------------------------------
Why are you still single?
By Jerusha Stewart

You know you’re a catch... so why are you flying solo? These silent love saboteurs may be to blame—here’s how to get past them.

So you really and truly want to be in a relationship but find yourself singing solo in the shower? Do you know you’re a great catch but can’t figure out why you’re not paired up like most of your pals? Unwittingly, you could be engaging in a little self-sabotage when it comes to finding your special someone. With a little digging you can uncover the silent saboteurs preventing you from achieving “I’m taken” status—and learn how to overcome them.

Silent saboteur #1: You’re ignoring your relationship needs
Often people with a lot on their plate will say that they’re open to a relationship and are willing to make room for one. But in reality they’re not. Some tell-tale signs: Every time your co-workers or friends extend an invitation to join them for a little after-work socializing, some unfinished project on your desk convinces you to say, “Not tonight, but once my workload lightens up” (as in, never). Or, you find yourself saying things like “I’ll start really looking for someone once I get my promotion/graduate degree/finances in order” (which, alas, may not be any time soon).

Solution: Put yourself first. Have an honest chat with yourself: Do you really want a romantic relationship in your life right now? If the answer is yes, make at least one step toward carving out some space for it, whether that’s signing up for online dating, telling all your friends and family you’re open to a set-up, or establishing a once-a-week night out with your single friends. And don’t let a few bad dates drive you back to your workaholic ways—once you have a good one and see what you’ve been missing, you’ll understand what all the hubbub is about.

Silent saboteur #2: You’re too quick to decide whether you’re interested
In today’s fast-paced culture, it seems natural to decide whether someone’s right for you in, oh, about three seconds. Alanna Rayford of San Francisco often cuts flattering male attention short. “In the first five seconds I know whether or not I’m going to continue to have a conversation,” she confesses. But think about it: Most of us aren’t great at making a killer first impression. “It sure could explain why I haven’t had a date in a year,” Alanna continues. “I don’t give men a chance to show me who they are. A little patience would probably help.”

Solution: Avoid making snap judgments. If you find yourself making snap judgments like Alanna, adopt these two new rules to end your dating drought. Rule one: Promise yourself to withhold any dateability decisions about someone until after a cup of coffee (the whole thing, not the first two sips). You should be able to talk to anyone for as long it takes to drink a latte. Rule two: Adopt a second-date rule. If you like the person, even just a little bit, make plans to see them again. At that point, you two should both be more relaxed and ready to reveal your true selves.

Silent saboteur #3: You’ve got options but none are “good enough”
We’re not saying you shouldn’t have standards. But see what your friends (especially the single ones) think of your prospects. If none of them get why you didn’t follow up with that person you thought was, oh, an inch too short (or too tall), or a freak because he wore a bolo tie, then you could be guilty of having too many must-have traits on your list.

Solution: Re-evaluate what’s really important. We all have our best-case scenario in terms of height, weight, hair color, and so forth in a partner. But how many relationships do you know where two people in a couple fit that wish list to a tee? None or not many, most likely—which is all the more reason why should you probably take a closer look at the qualities you deem ideal, or deal-breakers, on a date. A solid relationship is more often based on shared values and common interests—so make sure you keep those things in mind on your next date rather than obsessing about his too-short trousers.

Silent saboteur #4: You’re not entirely over your ex
You and your ex are history... so what’s up with the long, warm-and-fuzzy phone conversations to “check in” with each other? Sure it seems harmless. But if you find yourself comparing every new potential love interest to this former flame (or if you conveniently “forget” to tell your ex about the people you’re dating), then it could mean you’re still harboring some feelings for the one who got away, which makes it difficult to really focus on someone new.

Solution: Give yourself permission to meet someone new. You could be holding on to your past because you haven’t been building your post-breakup support network—a mix of friends and family members you can comfortably dial for no reason at all. Weaning yourself off your ex can be hard, but it largely comes down to re-directing those impulse calls. The next time you’re tempted to call your ex to vent about something awful that happened at work or just something funny that happened you’re dying to share, resist the urge and call someone else, like your mom. Over time, you’ll stop thinking about your ex so much, leaving you more open to meeting your next one-and-only.

Silent saboteur #5: Your attitude leaves a bad taste in the hearts and minds of others
When you’re out on a date, do you find the conversation generally veering toward your dimwit boss, dysfunctional relatives, dating horror stories, or some other “poor me” tale? You may think these stories are funny (and they very well may be), but after a while, anyone listening is going to wonder: “Why would I want to join this pity party?” and steer clear.

Solution: Get an attitude adjustment. Hey, we’ve all got problems. And while the blues are fine in stereo, very few people want a personal serenade. Putting your best foot forward all wrapped up in positive packaging makes you a much more attractive companion. Just because someone’s agreed to spend time with you doesn’t mean they’ve agreed to spend it as your therapist, so accept the dating process for what it is: A chance to get to know someone better, not vent. Stick to more positive stories and see if you don’t find yourself in a more positive place, dating-wise.

Jerusha Stewart, a.k.a. The Last Single Girl in the World, reveals how to be singularly sensational in her book The Single Girl’s Manifesta.

honey roasted peanuts in a can

2006-02-27T15:23:00.000-08:00

it's been a while since i've had honey roasted peanuts. i've forgotten how good they are. i do remember, however, that it's so bad for me; it makes my cholesterol level shoot up. there's just something about it though that gets me so addicted. i open the plastic lid of the can, sliding my index finger under neath the edges while the thumb presses the middle. then i peel off the foil under the lid and there they are... sweet and salty little treats. i start with a couple and i can't stop. i have to make a conscious decision to stop. when i start chewing on them i kind of go in a daze... chew chew chew, take more, chew chew chew... and it goes on. and then i remember that its better to eat it in moderation or else; my cholesterol shoots up, i get a sodium headache, and i get full with the sugar, honey, and the peanuts itself, it ruins my appetite, and my finger gets filled with the sugar powder that all i can do is lick it. now my finger smells like peanuts. i have to stop after a few minutes and learn to enjoy it little by little. its not the peanuts i need to be thrilled about. its just a snack. i need to save room for the meal that the peanuts are tiding me over for...
it's been a while since i've had romantic and sweet goodness happen to me. i've forgotten how good it feels. i have to remember however that i can't get carried away or i'll mess it all up. there's just something about a good man that i get fixated on. i get to know him through email, phone call, chat over coffee, and there he is... personal stories, intimate, private. but then i like him more and want more of him that i have to tell myself to stop it, "you'll scare him away." i have to remember to let things unfold or i start overthinking things and affecting my thoughts and actions and i end up with nothing or i mess up the chances of something else developing. it's better to take things as they come, don't come to conclusions so quickly, relax my mind and my heart, enjoy the little moments that when you put them all together it makes one beautiful memory that i can savor time to time. then i will always have those good moments with me. i have to stop and get a hold of myself after each good and beautiful moment. that's not the only thing i need to cherish, theres more to life than those chats, emails, and phone calls, its what it culminates to; a special friendship or a romantic relationship.

i still believe, part 2

2006-02-24T08:21:00.000-08:00

"even when answers are slow to unwind, from every fingertip, washing away my pain... i still believe in your faithfullness, i still believe in your truth, i still believe in your word, even when i don't see you, i still believe..."

it's been 10 years since the private university i worked for shut down (for financial mismanagement) and a reunion is coming up. before i left there i was slowly transitioning. i went to work, in my new gender, at USC. that didnt last long because i had a revelation, a falling-out, a coming out, to my family and transitioned back. to clear up the past, clear up the wrong reasons why i feel the need to be in a different gender, to start over again, gender neutral. years later, after prayers for guidance on transitioning back or not, here i am... in a very fluid transition process... but doing it right, doing it with guidance incomparable to a medical practitioners. i believe i'm spiritually guided by the Holy One. i am allowed to continue on this path.

i was telling my sister, by email (so i can speak a complete thought without interruption) that i'm not sure if i'll go because, bottom line is, they thought before i left that i was more or less a walking freak show... coming back to see those people, most are narrowminded and judgmental, i will be the show that the party would need. so i hesitate. i said i'll be praying about it.

then i thought about prayer and the new influence in my life. my new friend's presence in my life has put a mirror to my face. his presence has helped me look at areas of my life that i didnt want to look at and to clean up my mess. i was led to share with her a little about him and the new church i've joined. then it all poured out from my heart and mind to my fingertips how i see the church as the place where the broken, hurting, rejected, dejected, suffering people go for help and healing. i remembered that i've been there, like a lot of those people, kicked out from church for being different, for not being like everybody else. it's like, some sins are ok in church, but being LGBTQI etc is definitely not. if you are, just keep quiet, dont say anything, and just keep bearing the constant reminders that you are not welcome here or in the family of God...

being lgbt and a christian is a constant test of faith... its the devil that says you're not welcome, thats not coming from God. we ARE welcome, how we deal with being an LGBT is between us and the God we believe in. our motivations for living LGBT is on us... but i digress... whats digress?

so i closed my email to my sis that if my sharing ever becomes too much for her, since she has 2 kids and one big baby to take care of (her husband), i want her to let me know and i'll find another outlet. then it came out... i miss them. i miss my family. i miss being an integral part of that family unit. i believe that time will come again. and now i believe its time for me to develop my own family unit, of friends, and maybe blood relatives, of people that share the same values with me.

HE is at work, even if i dont see HIM, i believe... i believe God brings people to our lives to give us His comforting hug. i believe my new friend's presence is giving me that hug...

"You go to where?!"

2006-02-23T13:52:00.000-08:00

its interesting how some people i know are so amazed that i go to church on sundays and sing in the music team/choir and that i read the bible and do my devotions every morning... i used to do that because thats what i grew up knowing to do, but in the last few years i have come to the realization that i do it because my whole being knows that is how i get 'centered' (focused) on the ultimate goal in life (thats another topic).

some people are spiritual because its their nature, or because thats all they know, or only once a year, or only when they're going through tough times, and some are not at all but deep inside they have a faith and just dont acknowledge or practice it...

some people i know have very strong feelings against the church and any religious institutions and i understand why. being persecuted and rejected for being different by those who profess that God is love is not fun. being constantly reminded and told that "you are a sinner and will go to hell if you are such and such" does not help a person in need of fellowship and loving support from people. so yeah, i understand why they will be against any church.

"People with a variety of backgrounds, abilities, interests, and needs make up Christ's church, so uniting in a common purpose is not an easy process. Yet when we let the Lord do His work among us, shaping us and assigning our place in the structure, we become part of a strong, solid edifice."

i am one of those people. i belong in a group of people who are different from each other but feel the strong calling to believe and serve. the church that has rejected me before, the other church that did not encourage me to grow because i'm different, the other church that did not minister to me because they dont know how to, those are churches that serve a purpose unique in itself. people like me will not feel welcome there regardless of our level of spirituality.

so i'm at this new church now, and i see, thats where the broken, rejected, ignored, unserved, hurting people go to be ministered to. people go there to feel a part of a whole. people go there for a lot of reasons. some are servers, some are served. thats what being different is. thats being a part of a church.

so yes, i go to church.

what?!!!

2006-02-21T07:40:00.000-08:00

what is going on here? its really troubling to hear that an argument is made that a convicted murderer be spared from pain while being executed because its cruel and unusual punishment. when the 17 year old girl he raped and murdered was experiencing pain and then death, did he consider that what he was doing was cruel and unusual punishment? the people who are making the argument for him, if they were being raped and murdered, would they think the same way? what are they thinking about! what are they doing! so now, the murderer will be given a lethal dose of sedatives... wow... first they make him squirm thinking he's about to die and then "oops, not yet" and then now they make him think "yeah, you'll die tonight, but slowly though."

sick.

the worst of Valentine’s Day:

2006-02-14T07:42:00.000-08:00

the worst of Valentine’s Day:

It’s not in the cards
“In my group of friends, there was a guy I really liked, and we’d become pretty good buddies. Valentine’s Day was coming up, and neither of us was dating anyone. I was so excited when he knocked on my door holding an adorable, homemade Valentine card. He even glued macaroni noodles onto it, like kids do in grade school. He showed it to me, and I was about to say thank you and give him a hug when he said, ‘Do you think Kate will like it?’ Kate was a mutual friend of ours whom he had a crush on. I somehow kept my composure until he left, at which point I wallowed in my worst Valentine’s Day ever.”
-Christine, Cleveland, OH

Short-changing a relationship
“A date took me out to dinner for Valentine’s Day. When the check came, he reached in his pocket and pulled out three rolls of quarters, and a roll of dimes. Then, he proceeded to break them all open and count them right there on the table. When the waiter came back, he was just as appalled as I was. He had to get a busboy to come over and help him carry the change to the register. His reasoning? ‘I wanted to get rid of it.’ That made me feel real special.”
-Amanda, Sacramento, CA

No reading between the lines necessary
“A few years ago, I’d been casually dating a guy for several months, and I was ready for a more serious relationship. Valentine's Day was coming, and I thought maybe the time was finally here. I really worked hard finding him a cool gift—a rare black-and-white picture of one of his favorite musicians. He got me a gift too, and a card. I opened the card and it said, ‘Happy Valentine’s Day—can we just be friends?’ I never found out what the gift was, because I promptly threw it at him and left.”
-Alli, Philadelphia, PA

My bloody Valentine
“I took a girl out on Valentine’s Day after we’d been dating for a few weeks. The date went really well and, when we came home, we started kissing on her porch. She pulled away because she said she felt something on her face. When I opened my eyes, I saw that she had blood running down her cheeks. I’ve always had a problem with bloody noses, and I’d gotten one when we were kissing! She acted like it was no big deal, but I never heard from her again, and I guess I don’t entirely blame her.”
-Steve, St. Louis, MO

Maybe it’s better to call first
“I’d been flirting with a girl long-distance and decided to surprise her on Valentine’s Day by showing up on her doorstep. Through some subtle questioning, I got to know her schedule, and I knew when she'd be home, so I aimed to show up early in the morning just before she'd be heading out. I got there carrying flowers and thinking of the dinner reservations I'd made at a posh restaurant that night. I walked into her apartment building, took the elevator up to her floor, and just as I went to knock on her door it opened. There she was... kissing some guy who had obviously spent the night. When I caught her eye, she said, ‘Omigod!’ but I didn’t hear the rest, since I got out of there as quickly as I could.”
-Dale, Stamford, CT

Are You Too Sexy For Your Job?

2006-02-13T08:05:00.000-08:00

you know who you are ;-)

and... does this apply to a transgender woman who works at a gay and lesbian organization? :-)

-----------------------------------------------------

By Kate Lorenz, CareerBuilder.com Editor

Warning: Too much cleavage can be hazardous to your career.... and there's science to prove it.

Dressing sexy can have negative affects at work especially the higher you climb on the ladder, according to a recent University of Lawrence study led by professor Peter Glick.

The study found that risqué dress on the job is viewed as inappropriate for those in all positions. Managers who dressed provocatively, however, were perceived less intelligent and less competent, while those in lower level positions (like receptionists) were not. The study also suggests that women who wear racy clothing are perceived as using their sexuality to advance professionally.

"Although various media directed toward women... encourage women to emphasize their sex appeal, our results suggest that women in high-status occupations may have to resist this siren call to obtain the respect of their co-workers," Glick concludes.

So what can happen if you dress provocatively at work? This past year we saw two high-profile cases involving women who were deemed too sexy for their jobs.

Harvard librarian Desiree Goodwin, who holds two advanced degrees from Cornell University, charged that she was passed over for promotion 16 times because of her attire and physical attractiveness. Goodwin claimed the jobs she sought were given to women with less experience and education and that a supervisor told her she was perceived as a "pretty girl" who wore "sexy outfits."

Meanwhile, on the shores of the Adriatic Sea, Caterina Bonci, a Roman Catholic religion teacher, said she was fired from her job at a state-run school for being too sexy. (The school principal said both parents and teachers complained about her high hemlines and ample décolletage.)

"In the 14 years I had this job, I have always been attacked by my female colleagues and the rest of the staff because of my attractiveness," Bonci told the Italian media.

"And if you consider that at our parent-teacher meetings it was always the fathers who came to see me, one can see why I have so often been at the center of attention and a target of gossip."

Bonci failed to win her job back; Goodwin not only lost her civil case, but also received a bill for Harvard's legal costs.

Fair or not, courts around the country are upholding employers' rights to ban "sexy" dressing in the workplace. Just how do the courts define "sexy?" According to Eric Matusewitch, deputy director of the New York City Equal Employment Practices Commission, the courts consider "sexy" attire to be clothing that is particularly revealing and of extreme fit, as well as excessive use of makeup.

To those who argue that this discriminates against women, Matusewitch replies, "The code applies equally to both sexes. So, if employers require men to dress conservatively, they can require women to avoid tight, flashy and revealing outfits as well."

With the current "skin is in" fashions and the media full of images that suggest provocative dress is acceptable -- even desirable -- in the workplace, how can you make sure you don't cross the line? Here are some guidelines:

Skirts: Too little is too much. Skirt lengths should be no more than one hand-width above the knee.

Tops: Make sure there is at least one-inch of room between body and fabric and that it is long enough to conceal your midriff. Stomach, breasts, back and shoulders should be covered. Fabric should not be overly sheer and a bra should be worn (with no straps revealed).

Dresses: No halter tops or cleavage-baring necklines. Avoid overly snug fits. Again, hemlines should hit no more than one hand-width above the knee.

Pants: Shun overly tight or hip-hugger pants that expose the midriff. Stick with neutral colors.

Shoes: Heels should be no higher than two inches; toe should be closed. Avoid strappy styles, bright colors and patterns.

Hair: Keep your hair sleek and off your face. Avoid the teased, over-processed look.

Makeup: Keep it clean and natural. Avoid heavy eyeliner or evening lipsticks.

"If you flaunt your figure in a professional setting, colleagues and clients may question your judgment or make unflattering assumptions about your character," warns Susan Roane, lecturer, author and business etiquette expert. "Clothing and appearance are visual shorthand. The point is to be noticed for your business skills, not your short skirts or push-up bra.

"If you want a job, dress the part. If you want to show off your body... well, that's what your free time is for."

Dating in your 40's

2006-02-02T13:51:00.001-08:00

Your 40s

Since half of all first marriages fail, the forty-something singles scene is flooded with divorced folk who are back on the market—with somewhat rusty dating skills. Or people who can be feeling ready for the “real thing”—if only they could find The One.

Brush up on your dating skills
If you’re dating after a split, ease into it, says Beatty Cohan, co-author of For Better, For Worse, Forever: Discover the Path to Lasting Love. Make small talk with the person next to you in the grocery store line, or go out on a “practice” date with a friend, asking them to be brutally honest about how you come across. You may also be way overdue for a makeover. “This doesn’t mean you have to get a facelift,” she says, but it just might be time to trade in that ten-year-old pair of stonewashed, baggy jeans for a pair that actually fits.

Don’t date too soon after divorce
People frequently date too soon after a divorce, warns Parmelee. “They need to allow themselves time to heal and recognize how they contributed to the demise of their relationship.” That way, history is less likely to repeat itself, and they won’t fall into the same destructive patterns. To gauge if you’re ready, ask yourself these questions, suggests Judsen Culbreth, author of The Boomers’ Guide to Online Dating: Do you have an accepting attitude of the opposite sex—that is, do you not think all men are jerks or that all women are gold-diggers? Are you engaged in activities and interests besides your work and kids? Do you believe you have control and can shape what happens in your love life? If you answered yes to these questions, then you may indeed have the right attitude.

If you have kids, proceed with caution
Don’t have time to date? Lean on friends, family, or qualified childcare givers for babysitting services, or schedule dates when your ex has the kids. But skip the introductions: “Never bring dates around your children until it’s serious,” Cohan advises. “Otherwise, you will simply confuse the child and bring up loyalty issues.” Even if you’re not introducing your dates to your children, however, you can tell kids, “You spend time with your friends, and I need to spend time with my friends, too,’” Cohan recommends. Just remember you don’t need your kids’ permission to date. They might not exactly like the fact that you’re going out, but if you develop a full life without them, you’ll be a better parent.

Dating in your 30's

2006-02-02T13:51:00.000-08:00

Dating at 20, 30, 40, 50 and 60
By Julie Taylor

Your 30s

This is a time when many single people focus on finding the one, getting married, and having children, says Parmelee. But because this urge hits different people at different times (or doesn’t strike at all), therein lies the problem. “You either fall into that ‘Why I haven’t I found someone yet?’ mode, or you just don’t want to feel pressured,” says Lavinthal. “And when two people with opposing attitudes hook up, it can create issues.”

Set some mental deadlines
If you’re really set on getting married or moving in together and your partner just isn’t into it, Lavinthal recommends creating a timeline. “This isn’t something you need to share with your partner—but if you’d like to get engaged in two years, make a mental note of that,” she suggests. As you approach that two-year mark, evaluate where you are and where the relationship’s going. Talk about the issue. If your mate has no intention of getting married anytime soon but you’re still really into it, why waste any more time? “At some stage, enough is enough,” Lavinthal says. Likewise, if your partner wants to get hitched and you’re not ready, don’t give in to the peer pressure. “You have to do it when it’s right for you, not when it’s right for someone else,” she says.

Don’t get too set in your ways
Another challenge thirty-somethings frequently face is being too set in their ways, making it more difficult to embrace their partner’s habits. Jamie, 34, of Kansas City found this to be the case when she hooked up with Paul, 38. “He loved staying home and watching TV, while I prefer to go out,” she recalls. “At first, I went along with it, but before long, I was going crazy.” For this reason, compromising skills are key, says Lavinthal. “Agree to watch Family Guy with him if he’ll go to a happy hour with you. Just remember: You’re never going to change someone completely. If he’s a baseball junkie and you absolutely hate sports, remind yourself that he’s been this way for thirty years, and the odds of him “growing out of it” are slim.

Dating in your 20's

2006-02-02T13:49:00.000-08:00

Dating at 20, 30, 40, 50 and 60
By Julie Taylor

There are certain things about dating that, no matter your age, remain the same, from the butterflies you feel when you meet someone cute to that painfully sweet moment when you exchange your first I love you’s. And yet let’s be honest: There are also major differences between hooking up fresh out of college, looking for a mate during mid-life, or finding a companion when you’re 60-something. Goals shift. Priorities change. To help you navigate each decade, we consulted leading dating and relationship experts to pinpoint the common desires and pitfalls of each age group—and got their advice on how you can maximize your dating experience along the way.

Your 20s

The post-college dating scene can often seem deceptively easy: After all, singles are rarely looking for a long-term commitment, as Katie, 25, from Oklahoma City can attest. “I’m not sure what I want out of life or a relationship,” she says. “When I date someone new, I’m not thinking about whether or not he’d be good husband material—I just wonder if he’d be fun to hang out with!” Even so, there’s a lot this age group can do now to make the most of their freewheeling days and pave the way for regret-free romance later in life. Such as…

Expand your dating horizons
Sure, twenty-somethings date plenty of people, but often get stuck dating the same type, says Andrea Lavinthal, co-author of The Hook-Up Handbook: A Single Girl’s Guide to Living It Up. “You should definitely date as many different types as you can to get a good sense of what’s out there and to weed out the kind of people you don’t like,” she says. “At this point, dating is more about you than it is about the other person. You’re figuring out what makes you happy in a partner.”

Leave room for a love life
Dating often takes a back seat to career development for singles in their twenties. “They avoid relationships because they don’t want anything to derail their dreams,” explains Hannah Parmelee, M.S., of the Center for the Family at Pepperdine University. But blanket statements like “I’m not dating anyone for the next six months/until I get promoted” can be dangerous, warns Lavinthal. “This closes off your possibilities, which is a bad thing—especially if the right person comes along in that time period,” she explains. So instead, make a conscious decision to give your love life a little TLC by posting your profile on an online dating site or accepting at least one date invitation per month.

Think twice before moving in together
Because finances are often tight at this age, it can be tempting to move in with someone you’ve gotten serious with. But Parmelee says that cohabitation often backfires. “People end up getting stuck,” she says. “They slide into marriage not because they choose to, but because it’s just too hard to move out.” Tempted to move in together to save money? Move in with a friend instead, and keep those options open.

How could an angel break my heart?

2006-01-20T14:56:00.000-08:00

by toni braxton

I heard he sang a lullaby.
I heard he sang it from his heart.
When I found out thought I would die,
Because that lullaby was mine.
I heard he sealed it with a kiss.
He gently kissed her cherry lips.
I found that so hard to believe,
Because his kiss belonged to me.

I heard here face was white as rain,
Soft as a rose that blooms in May.
He keeps her picture in a frame,
And when he sleeps he calls her name.
I wonder if she makes him smile
The way he used to smile at me?
I hope she doesn’t make him laugh,
Because his laugh belongs to me.

Oh my soul is dying!
It’s crying!
I’m trying to understand.
Please help me.

How could an angel break my heart?
Why didn’t he catch my falling star?
I wish I didn’t wish so hard.
Maybe I wished our love apart.
How could an angel break my heart?

what names were you called?

2006-01-12T07:33:00.000-08:00

i like what how this writer referred to name calling: "Perhaps people still call you names or use your given name with contempt."
"with contempt"... that is the difference. i've been called so many things but the ones that hurt the most were the ones said with anger and hostility even though i did not do anything except to exist in this world... now, once in a while i still get called names, mostly by strangers: fag, queer, tranny, freak... thats the most hateful word i think, freak... anyway... people who do that have deeper issues than me that they actually need to exert energy into thinking of a word to hurt someone, physically make an effort to let that someone know they have a thought they want to express, then express it and feel proud about it, sometimes to the extent that they exert more energy into making sure others know they think poorly of someone... wow. how sad is that?

Your Name Is Safe
—by David Roper, Our Daily Bread, 01/12/06
There's an old saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me." It isn't true. Words can hurt us most of all.

In my case the hurtful word was "Skinny-bones," a name I was given in the 4th grade. I chuckle now when I think of it—no one would call me "Skinny-bones" these days. But back then the name wounded me. It became the way I thought of myself.

My father and mother, however, had the grace and wisdom to have given me another name, David—a name that means "beloved" in Hebrew. Despite the taunts I received on the schoolyard, I knew I was loved at home.

Perhaps you were one of those children whom people called names: "Dummy," "Idiot, "Fatso," or some other cruel epithet. Perhaps people still call you names or use your given name with contempt. I believe that God will one day give you a new name, a term of endearment known only by your heavenly Father and you (Revelation 2:17). His voice will convey tenderness, love, and acceptance. Your name is dear to Him.

As a little child once put it, "When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. Your name is safe in their mouth."

You—and your name—are safe with God.

The Father knows your name—but more than that,He knows your heart and all you think and do;With Him your name is safe—that will not change—But one day He will write your name anew. —Hess

Your name is precious to God.

"let's have some church up in here!"

2006-01-11T07:32:00.000-08:00

this is my blog. this is my testimony. there will be mentions of God and Jesus and praise and such... feel free to skip or read on...

i went to take my friend kendy out for her birthday at the club we usually go to in anaheim. we met up with our other friend ayanne and saw our other friend jenny also. we danced and drank non-alcoholic beverages. talked with some friends we've made at the club who taught us some new dance moves... ghetto... but still, it was fun :-) we took a break, standing next to a table, put my purse down to tie my hair while chit-chatting. a few moments later i turned around to pick up my purse and its gone... we walked up to the security guards and looking around for anyone suspicious, everyone looked like it... and the guards were of no help. we looked around in the club afterwards in case someone threw it in the trash after they emptied it. nothing...

i made my calls to cards and cell company right away, closed my accounts. regardless, the thieves still spent about $2000+ of my money, shopping at stores i always thought about going to but never did because i'm more frugal with my spending. i filed my report with my credit union and 2 days later i had my money back in my account. i also received my replacement cell phone on the same day near the same hour. although the money back in my account is considered temporary pending investigation of the fraudulent charge claims i made, its still in my account. i'm near back to how it was...

spiritually speaking, this was a call from God to wake up, get up, and get moving... i've been a slacker with practicing my Christian beliefs. i used to go to church every sunday in our praise and worship team and some saturdays for music team practice. i still do my devotion every morning... most mornings... but my praying has not been up to par. my church going and fellowship is also... lacking. i believe my soul is saved because Christ is in my heart. i love God but i'm not showing it as brightly as i should.

doing personal things that compromises ones beliefs is whats wrong... when i let my guard down that night i unintentionally invited 'bad' things to happen. i've been very good at keeping my purse near to me or on me but for whatever reason i didnt think at that moment. i need to stay alert, on my toes, not only about my physical belongings but also my spirituality. i didnt freak out or cry or break down or get angry... i was very good at being in prayer, in trusting God...

i prayed "God, sorry for not being as close to you as i should. its an everyday struggle for me to do whats good and whats right, obviously i cant do it alone because heres what happened. but Lord, please, help me make this right. i'll do what is proper to correct this. i know Lord that you let this happen for a reason and help me to fulfill that. give me the comfort that i need. help me to completely put my trust in you that you will take care of this. i believe you are the God who created the universe and all its intricacies... what more could you do to the people who stole my material posession. thank you for your promise that you will provide for my needs. i trust you. amen."

yesterday God gave me back my belongings. i believe in prayer. i believe in God. i believe that because i'm saved through Jesus, i claimed my heritage of being a child of God.

God who created the universe and all its intricacies can easily destroy it. What more can He do to anyone who hurts His precious child... me...

Do I hear an AMEN?!

"Let It Flow"

2006-01-06T13:41:00.000-08:00

by toni braxton

First thing early Monday morning
I'm gonna pack my tears away
Got no cause to look back
I'm lookin' for me a better day

You see the thing 'bout love
Is that it's not enough
If the only thing it brings you is pain
There comes a time when we could all make a change

Don't nobody want no broken heart
And don't nobody want no two time losers
Ain't nobody gonna love you like you are
If you take whatever he brings your way

You see the thing of itIs we deserve respect
But we can't demand respect without change
There comes a time when we must go our own way

Sometimes love it can work out right
Sometimes you'll never know
But if it brings only pain in your life
Don't be afraid to let it go

Just let go
And let it glow, let it flow, let it flow
Everything's gonna work out right,Y'know
Let go, and let it flow, let it flow, let it flow
Just let go

"I Love Him, Goodbye"

2006-01-04T08:38:00.000-08:00

(its therapeutic for me to put my feelings into words. sometimes i cant come up with the energy to write on my own so i take whats already out there and tweak it a bit to apply to me... so here it goes again...)

by Celine Dion [reworded by yours truly]

Wish He could be the one
The one who could give Me Love
The kind of Love I really need
Wish He could say to Me
That He'll always stay with Me
But that is just not him
I need someone
willing to give their heart and soul to Me
Promise Me forever,
that is just something
He can't do
Oh He could say that He'll be all I need
But that would be a lie
He knows He'd only hurt Me
He knows He'd only make Me cry
He’s not the one I’m needing
I Love Him, goodbye
He hopes someday I can
Find some way to understand
He's only doing this for Me
He doesn't really wanna go
But deep in his heart He knows
this is the kindest thing to do
I'll find someone
who'll be the one that He could never be
Who'll give Me something better
Than the Love I'll find with him
Oh He could say that He'll be all I need
But that would be a crime
He knows He'd only hurt Me
He knows He'd only make Me cry
He’s not the one I’m needing
I Love Him, goodbye
Leaving someone when you Love someone
Is the hardest thing to do
When I Love someone as much as I Love Him
Oh He doesn't wanna leave Me
It tears him up inside
But He'll never be the one I’m needing
I Love Him, goodbye
Its never gonna work out
I Love Him, goodbye

If It's Over

2006-01-03T22:04:00.000-08:00

did i post this already? NO, i'm not trying to say anything here to someone else... its been over. i'm slowly letting go... this helps. i know you're going through the same that i've been through. its a struggle. somedays you just want to stay in bed and keep your brain asleep so your heart and body wont feel the hurt in your heart. but it goes away... it will. i'm almost there.

Written by M. Carey and C. King

Won't you talk to me
This is so out of hand
Something's gone wrong
With the life we than planned

Won't you look at me
You're avoiding my gaze
And it seems like you've changed
In so many ways

Won't you speak to me
I'm just holding on
'Cause baby I really don't need to
Wait around
If the feeling is gone

Don't you know
I don't need no apologies
I'm not looking for sympathy
All I'm asking for
Is for your honesty
Won't you give it to me
Give it to me now

It isn't fair
It just isn't right
'Cause if is't really gone
You've got to say the word tonight
If it's over
If it's over
Won't you let me know
Baby if it's over
If it's over
Over - let me go

Are you better off single?

2006-01-03T14:45:00.000-08:00

...i scored a 16 :-) its cute...

By Margot Carmichael Lester

After a string of horrible dates or a particularly bad breakup, it’s easy to think dating is for the birds. So, are you better off single? Take this quiz to find out!

1. Your last serious relationship was:
Excruciating. I couldn’t wait for it to end. (Score = -1)
Smothering. My partner cared much more than I did. (Score = 1)
Frustrating. I cared much more than my partner did. (Score = 2)
Decent. It was nice while it lasted, but I wasn’t devastated by the break-up. (Score = 3)
Fulfilling. I like being a couple. (Score = 4)

2. How would you describe your last three dates?
Bad. Why are losers so attracted to me? (Score = -1)
Boring. I’d rather stay home and watch Lost. (Score = 1)
One-sided. I liked them, they didn’t like me. (Score = 2)
Not bad... but not good either. (Score = 3)
Great. I had fun, even though no sparks flew. (Score = 4)

3. Which movie best describes your experience with love:
Singles. I can’t seem to find love at all. (Score = -1)
Fatal Attraction. I can be a freak magnet. (Score = 1)
The (Fru)st(r)ation Agent. I feel like a misfit of love. (Score = 2)
The Kids are Alright. I’ve been in relationships with a lot of nice people. (Score = 3)
High Fidelity. I keep learning from my previous relationship mistakes, and I know there’s someone out there for me. (Score = 4)

4. Your soul mate:
May not exist. (Score = -1)
Wouldn’t need a straightjacket. (Score = 1)
Is dating your best friend. (Score = 2)
Will take some work to find—but is out there. (Score = 3)
Hey, there may be more than one—and you can’t wait to meet ‘em! (Score = 4)

5. You think of true love as:
Something invented by Hollywood. (Score = -1)
A bed of nails. Maybe Nazareth was right when they sang, “Love hurts.” (Score = 1)
Very hard to find. (Score = 2)
Possible, but I’m not sure how to get it. (Score = 3)
Totally worth working for. (Score = 4)

SCORING
Less than 0: Ouch. You’ve been out of the love light for a long time and have a pessimistic view of the whole idea, so you need to do something to shake off the dust. Sign up for a class, a book group, or some other activity you enjoy. By getting out and living your life, you increase your chances of finding someone who’d like to live it with you!

0-5: You’ve had some bad experiences with love, but blaming your dates isn’t going to change anything. Dating is a two-way street. Yes, oddballs might be attracted to you, but you’re choosing them, too. Take responsibility and take a look at why you’re choosing to date these people. Then take some steps to change the patterns you’re perpetuating.

6-10: You’re unsure of your prospects. Start thinking positively—and take some concrete action to improve your chances. Ask friends to set you up. Post or update your online dating profile and start looking for love in all the right places.

11-15: You’re keeping hope alive, and that’s very attractive. But you could do a little more to attract a mate. Ask friends to help you identify your strong points—and your weak ones. Then emphasize the positive and improve the negative.

16-20: You’re a believer, baby! It’s only a matter of time till Cupid works his magic on you!

this one is for the guys...

2005-12-20T22:11:00.000-08:00

5 women every guy's gotta date
By Jonathan Small

Before settling down, these are the gals every man should date. Why? For the connection you two feel, of course, but also for the relationship lessons each one will teach you.

With so many amazing women out there, how do you know which one is right for you? The honest truth is, you don’t really—that is, unless you get out there and date. “Men should experience dating many different types of women before they settle down,” says Gilda Carle, Ph.D., a New York-based relationship expert. “The more relationship skills you learn and the more experiences you have, the more prepared you’ll be when true love finally comes.” So, allow us to present five women you really should date before you say, “I do.” Of course, no one is saying you should go through life with a little checklist titled “Women to Date,” but spending time getting to know and appreciate these women can be a wonderful thing. Here, a look at who they are and why you should go out with them.

Type #1: The Older Woman
If you haven’t tried dating up the age chain, you don’t know what you’ve been missing. Mature women have been places, seen things, and have a sophistication and wisdom that you, my young friend, can—and should—soak up like a sponge. “Older women know who they are and what they want,” explains Dr. Gilda. Spend time with one and you’ll gain a terrific perspective on life, and realize that being a desirable woman doesn’t mean being a woman younger than you are. Says Patrick Hayden of Seattle, WA, “I definitely recommend dating an older woman. I dated one when I was 19 and she was 30, and what she taught me carries over to this day.” While a knowledge of wine, travel and the human condition are usually par for the course, so is something else: a tutorial on how to please a woman in bed. “The older woman I dated was like a sex mentor to me. She taught me absolutely everything I know,” recalls Patrick.

Type #2: The Guy’s Girl
Every guy needs to experience that rare breed of gal who looks and talks like a woman, but loves sports, beer, and action flicks—in short, who acts like a guy. Evan Silver is dating this type right now and couldn’t be happier about it: “She’s a hot woman who plays rugby and encourages me to hang out with my guy friends,” he says. The guy’s girl is often so similar to you that you forget to censor yourself around her—a good thing, according to Dr. Gilda, because it causes you to be more comfortable around women in general. “You’ll let your guard down more, just as you would around your guy friends,” she says. “You’ll learn that women can offer you friendship that you don’t have to reserve for your own gender.” We’re not saying you’ll be staging belching contests with all your future loves, but you will realize that there’s no reason to walk on eggshells around the person you’re dating. You can just be yourself—which is all women want anyway.

Type #3: The Free Spirit
This girl always stops to smell the roses. Think Drew Barrymore, Goldie Hawn, Claire from Six Feet Under. She’s totally creative, spiritual, spontaneous—maybe a tad ditzy—and she relies more on instinct and inspiration than reason and good planning. Why is this good for you? Because let’s face it: Guys are goal-oriented. We like game plans and spreadsheets; road maps and instruction manuals. That’s why sometimes we need a free spirit to fly into our lives and shake us free of our rigid ways. “A woman like this can tap a man’s creativity in ways no one else has,” says Dr. Gilda. “She shows him that not everything has to be perfect or planned.” Michael Pagliughi of Ocean City, NJ, concurs. He considers himself a tad uptight—and says that his art-student girlfriend taught him to chill. “She took me to some underground art galleries, had me stay up to the wee hours even when I had to work the next day,” he recalls. The spontaneity she taught him has carried over into other relationships. “She really helped me discover a more romantic, creative side of myself,” he says. “Now I’m much more likely to meet a date somewhere unexpected or surprise her with flowers."

Type #4: The Brainy Chick
In the dating game, looks often trump intelligence—guys go for hotties rather than girls who can stand their ground in a heated debate. This is really a shame, since not only can the sharp ones keep your mind from turning to putty, they can help you appreciate all facets of a woman and even handle those times in your life when you don’t know it all. “Men are so often intimidated by smart women—they have vulnerable egos and never want to feel as if any woman is showing them up,” says Dr. Gilda. Sure, dating a woman who can beat you at chess or argue circles around you about Middle East politics might be a bit of a blow to your ego at first, but ultimately, you’ll grow from it. Michael of Austin, TX, recalls his brainy ex-girlfriend this way: “She taught me how to debate with the best of them. I had to bring something to the table or she’d get bored. She challenged me in a way I wasn’t used to and that felt great.”

Type #5: The Seductress
Every man fantasizes about dating a girl who has an, um, healthy libido and is extremely creative in bed. The good news: These girls actually exist—and if you date one, you’ll be a much better man for it. But it’s not for the reason you might think. Says Dr. Gilda, “Every guy needs to get this type of girl out of his system. Because he’ll quickly realize that sex alone cannot sustain a relationship.” Evan can relate; he dated a girl who lived and breathed sex. “It was cool at first,” he recalls. But soon he began to want something more. “There was nothing else there, no romance and not much conversation,” he says. “I realized the only connection we had was sexual.” Evan has since moved on from the seductress, but he learned a ton. Sure, hot sex still ranks high on his wish list, but now he also wants a girl he can also really relate to and bond with. And that’s a very valuable lesson.

5 (type of) guys every girl’s gotta date

2005-12-20T22:06:00.000-08:00

5 guys every girl’s gotta date
By Maura Kelly
Wondering which fella to flirt with next? Make a point of getting to know these men—they can teach you wonderful things about life and love…
So you’re out on the town, looking for a cute guy you’ll click with…who’ll be the next lucky dude? Who’s your usual type? Before you answer, wait a second, and let us urge you not to date your usual type. You’ll benefit big-time by dating various types of guys. Here’s why: Each will stretch the boundaries of what you think makes a suitable mate and teach you a unique set of skills that will come in handy when you do meet The One.

Type #1: The Older Man
There comes a point in every guy’s life when he’s no longer interested in keg parties, Sony PlayStations, and phrases like “getting laid.” In short, a man becomes a man, and that’s exactly why you should see what an older guy is all about. No, it’s not because he could be a sugardaddy who’ll shower you with fancy meals and great gifts (although that could be nice).

The real perk of dating an older guy is his worldliness and wisdom, which is bound to rub off on you, says Steve Nakamoto, author of Men Are Like Fish: What Every Woman Needs to Know About Catching a Man. “Because he’s had more life experience and has been through more than younger guys, he can play something of a teacher role,” he explains, adding that he once dated a woman 14 years younger than him. “She still calls me today to thank me for the things I taught her,” he says. “She’s always been very appreciative of advice I gave her, even little things like buying a CD, after I explained that I meant certificate of deposit, and not a music album!”

Type #2: The Starving Artist
Okay, sure: These dudes are not going to take you to fancy restaurants or even pay for your half of the dinner bill. Money, nice meals, and material goods don’t mean squat to this guy—and that’s exactly why you’ll have an incredible time once he opens your eyes to life’s simpler pleasures. Erika Meitner of Charlottesville, VA, now sees the world differently after a summer spent with a struggling musician, Jesse. “We went on the best dates, because they all involved great conversation and the most unexpected adventures,” she says. “He knew all the best cheap beer bars, where the jukeboxes rocked, and colorful people always wanted to tell Jesse their stories.” Not only will the world seem infinitely fascinating, but you may feel more fascinating, too, as you become inspired by his creativity and perhaps play the role of his muse.

Type #3: The Metrosexual
OK, so he may be better dressed and more recently manicured than you. Get over it—because not only will you reap the obvious benefits of dating a guy like this (by being able to borrow his expensive shampoos), you’ll get a chance to live a happenin’ life! These guys will take you to all the hottest clubs and coolest clothing stores, and let’s not forget just how fabulous you’ll feel walking hand-in-hand with a man who looks like he just stepped out of an issue of GQ. The benefits don’t end there: His style may well rub off on you. “That’s significant,” says Nakamoto, “because it makes her feel better about herself, as well as making her a stronger player on the social and professional fields.”

Type #4: The Bad Boy
This rebel might have a motorcycle or not, but one thing’s for sure: He lives on his own terms and is not about to apologize for them. Hang with him for a while, and you’ll learn why being bad can feel so good—and how to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. Talk about liberating! “In general, women tend to be pleasers, much more so than men,” Nakamoto says. “A bad boy can show them what it’s like to quit trying to make everyone else happy, and just do what you want.” New Yorker Diana Petroff has first-hand experience of these bad-boy benefits, having once dated one of these rebels. “He knew there was more to the world,” Petroff explains. “And from being with him, I learned to look deep inside myself for what's truly important—rather than just accepting what my parents or friends thought was the proper path for me.”

Type #5: The Nice Guy
He never makes you feel insecure or uncertain, never plays hard to get, never makes you doubt how he feels about you. It’s a shame that we need to explain this one, and yet we know how hard it can be to date a true sweetheart, at least at first. “A woman won’t be used to the frequency and consistency of affection nice guys give, since most other guys who are playing the dating game don’t do that,” Nakamoto explains. Even so, he advises that women get used to the nice guys, and quick. Why? Because once you’ve had the good stuff (a guy who calls when he says he will; a guy who wants to see you more often as he gets to know you), you won’t stand for anything less. At the same time, that doesn’t necessarily mean you should start sending out the wedding invites after a few months. “Just because he’s nice doesn’t necessarily mean he’s the right guy,” Nakamoto warns. “He might rate low in terms of romantic chemistry, because he lacks the edge that creates the kind of surprise, passion, and excitement that all people want in their lives.”

Of course, the key is finding the man who has everything you want—until then, however, go ahead and try everything and don’t worry so much about whether you’ve found Mr. Right. Trust us, he’s out there. In the meantime, have fun!

letting go...

2005-12-16T08:34:00.000-08:00

i had to change a few words on this... i don't know who the author is... i dont agree with it all completely. i think you know what you need to let go and what you need to hold on to. i'm clear on what i need to hold on to and i'm perfectly ok with those things :-)

my disclaimer: use your best judgement and prayerfully act accordingly...

By T. D. Jakes
There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you:let them walk.I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you,loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, stayingattached to you.

I mean hang up the phone.When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is nevertied to anybody that left.

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are notjoined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that theirpart in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part inyour story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've gotthe gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe ingood-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I knowwhatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takestoo much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was Never intended for your life, then you need to......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains .....

LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth.....

LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you .......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs orTalents...

LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level In Him......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to helpthemselves......

LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed ........

LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you needto......

LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things.

GOD is doing new things for you in 2006!!!

don't hate... motivate!

2005-12-15T07:57:00.000-08:00

It may seem insignificant
To say a word or two,
But when it is encouragement,
What wonders it can do!
—K. De Haan

Correction may mold us, but encouragement will motivate us.

How Did They Know It Was Love?

2005-12-08T08:08:00.000-08:00

isnt it interesting that so many people have advice on love but so many people are unhappy in love and maybe those same people that have advice on love? where do i fit in? i know my love and i know i'm not an expert but this article... i can totally relate... well... to some of the points...

'How I knew it was love…'
By Lisa Cericola

Love doesn't always hit like a tidal wave, it can take time—and reveal itself in subtler ways. Here, five couples explain the little signs that showed them it was the real thing.
Let's face it: As romantic as it may be, couples don't usually just go out on one date and — poof! — realize they're madly in love. A true connection can take time to reveal itself, and when it does, it's often in the smallest and most surprising ways. "We form opinions about people so quickly—about the clothes they wear, whether they're smiling too much or too little," says relationship expert Dr. Jo Anne White, Ph.D., from Temple University. "But when we do that we may be missing out on important aspects of that person. Sometimes you have to dig a little deeper." If you're dating someone and are sick of waiting for a 50-foot sign saying "Yes, this one's The One!" try keeping an eye out for some of the tiny things that convinced these five couples they were meant for each other.

"I knew he was the one when he played my song"
My boyfriend was the first man ever to actually ask me which album I wanted to listen to on the stereo. It sounds like such a simple gesture, but I've dated so many guys who'd turn off what I was listening to and put something else on, or actually bring their own music to my house! To this day, my guy surprises me by putting on my favorite albums. I'll be cooking or just doing things around the house and suddenly hear something by The Smiths or Tom Waits. Knowing that he actually pays attention to what I like and will listen to music that's not his personal taste means so much to me. I know it's his little gift to me—and I love him for it!
—Michelle Clark, Atlanta, GA; dating her boyfriend since 1998

Love lesson learned: Look for someone who embraces your differences
A date who respects what makes you you — especially when it veers from his or her own tastes — is a true keeper, says White. Why? Because it shows your sweetie truly cares about your happiness, and is open to new viewpoints and experiences. This person's flexibility also means you two won't get embroiled in petty arguments about which movie to rent or where to go on vacation — a major plus given long-term relationships involve tons of compromise. So if this describes your own date, hold on tight.

"I fell hard once I saw him with his kids"
When I found out that the seemingly perfect guy I was dating had two kids, I immediately put on the brakes. I always thought I'd have children someday, but I knew that I wasn't ready to take on such a huge responsibility so suddenly. Would we have to spend every weekend with the kids? If things got serious, would they treat me like their mother? I had so many doubts, but he was such a great guy that I continued seeing him. And, when I finally met his children and saw what a sweet and caring father he is, my heart melted. I realized how lucky I was to have found a person who could be so strong in a challenging situation. What I originally thought of as a red flag turned out to be an amazing perk. Three years later, I feel so lucky to be part of their family.
—Paula Gellert, Orlando, FL; dating her boyfriend since 2002

Love lesson learned: Re-evaluate your deal-breakers
Sometimes, we create our "ideal mate" checklists—but need to learn they're not carved in stone. Granted, no one should feel forced to lower his or her standards and settle for someone who's "good enough." However, taking a good look at those standards and making sure they're valid is a great idea—and sometimes all it takes is the right person to change your mind. According to Dr. White, typical red flags like previous marriages, kids, or career troubles (like unemployment) might actually be a plus if a person has learned something positive and grown from the experience. So if you've recently ruled out someone due to some perceived flaw, ask yourself: Does your date's lack of a college degree really outweigh the fact that he or she is kind, loving, and crazy about you?

"I knew she was special when she insisted on hanging out even though I was sick"
A few weeks into dating a really great girl, I came down with a serious case of the flu. We had made plans to see a movie and have dinner that weekend, and I was so disappointed that I had to cancel just when we were starting to get good. But instead of postponing our date, she offered to come over and keep me company. Obviously I didn't want to make her sick, but more than that, I didn't want her to see my beet-red nose and the mountains of wadded-up tissues covering my bed. Despite my protests, she showed up on my doorstep the next day, armed with DVDs and plenty of tissues. Although I could hardly move from my spot on the couch, I ended up having such a great time that I almost forgot how awful I felt. I couldn't believe I'd met someone who was genuinely concerned with how I felt and, even better, that she wanted to be around me even when I wasn't at my best.
—Jonathan Greene, New York, NY; dating his girlfriend since 2004

Love lesson learned: True keepers stick around when the chips are down
Sure, any date will want to hang if you're in a great mood and can show them a good time, but will they appear when you're broke after a recent layoff, hobbling around on crutches, and have little to offer other than some low-key (and somewhat melancholy) company? If so, then this person is worth keeping around for all your ups and downs. "A good partner will never judge you when you're not doing well," says Dr. White. "And even better, they'll put their own needs on hold to help out when things get rough."

"He won me over by making an effort with my best friend"
When I first started dating my husband Louis, my best friend really didn't approve of him. He didn't exactly dig my friend either, but he knew how much she meant to me so he (mostly) kept his opinions to himself. The rift between them really bothered me, so I decided to take a risk and invited her to stay in a cabin with us for a weekend. When she arrived, I went to the kitchen to offer her a drink—and was shocked when, upon opening the fridge, saw it was stocked with six-packs of orange soda, her favorite drink. Louis had smuggled the drinks in our car and filled the fridge when I wasn't looking! She was so flattered that he remembered such a small detail about her and immediately started to warm up to him. Later, when I told him how thoughtful he was, he said, "I didn't do it for her; I did it to show you how much I care." At that moment, I knew I had found a seriously sweet guy.
—Cathy Cassano, Dobbs Ferry, NY; married for 3 years

Love lesson learned: Take note how your date treats your pals
Of course most suitors will go out of their way to charm you, and your family too if they meet them... but your friends? Sorry, they usually fall into the category of things your date has to put up with, period. And that's exactly why partners who strive to connect with your buddies will stand out from the crowd. Dates who do this are genuinely trying to integrate themselves into your life as a whole, so if you spot your date making an effort to charm your cantankerous best bud, consider yourself one lucky dater.

"I melted the day he baked a cake for my family"
When I first met my boyfriend, I had no intention of being anything more than good friends, since he is more conservative than I am. My parents came to visit soon after we started spending time together and although I didn't want to give them the impression that we were an "item," I knew he'd be fun and helpful showing them around the area. What I didn't expect was that he would welcome them to town with a cake! From the metal sheet pan to toothpicks poked in the top (to keep the frosting from sticking to the plastic wrap), it was obvious that he had made it himself and didn't just swing by the bakery on his way over to my apartment. As I watched him chat with my parents as he served them slices, I thought, "Oh no, he really likes me!" But once I got used to the idea and saw how thoughtful he was to my parents that day, I couldn't help but fall for him.
—Paula Wehmeyer, 34, Des Moines, IA; dating her boyfriend since 2002

Love lesson learned: That first family get-together may contain some surprises
It's one thing for an amour to make a good impression on your folks. It's another if he or she goes above and beyond the call of duty (and that includes anything that involves cooking, baking, or making what you can buy). And while you might not always follow Mom's or Dad's advice regarding whom you date, their stamp of approval does matter, and can have ripple effects on how you view the relationship. In Paula's case, it was exactly what was needed to send her feelings over the edge.

Lisa Cericola is a writer in the New York City area. She fell in love with her sweetie over a plate of his homemade pasta.

fun with numbers and food

2005-12-06T08:03:00.001-08:00

I went to see my folks for their 40th wedding anniversary. Lately we haven’t been into having big gatherings of friends and family to celebrate and occasion so they said bring KFC… so I did. As we were having dinner, my two nieces, Caitlin and Anna, began telling stories and doing things to catch attention (because they have a guest, me). So now their grandma, grandpa, and mom started telling me stories about them…

I noticed the house was decorated with lights and ornaments so I asked the girls who decorated and they said “we” did; that’s them and their grandma. Grandma says that when their mom told them she’s going to decorate for Christmas they kept bugging her “when are you gonna decorate?”. Every moment they’d ask so she answered “just wait sweetie, I’m trying to decide how to do it.” so their questions changed to “grandma, did you decide yet?”. Anyhow, they hung any shiny Christmas decoration they can find and made a couple of wreaths with bows and ornaments, and lights everywhere. I have about 20+ boxes of decorations that they went through.

My sister showed me the silver and gold foil garlands that Caitlin put cascading down the hardwood-stairs to my folks bedroom. My sis calls it “booby-trap”. Then she brings me to the girls bedroom to show me what Anna wanted to do for their bunkbed… Christmas lights all over it and another shiny décor hanging over the top bunk… that’s for Caitlin.

Then grandma pointed out the other décor hanging in the middle of the living room where people can bump their head on it. She said Caitlin wanted it there because she can reach it and she kept jumping one time so grandma said no more jumping, just count 10 more jumps then she had to stop. So she did… when she got to 7 she kept repeating 7. grandma says “are you stuck?” and she says “oh yeah, I forgot… 8… 9… 9… 9…” and grandma realized she just wanted to keep jumping.

She also said one time Caitlin kept wanting to do half back flips on the side of grandma’s bed but grandma wanted to rest. So she said, ok, just count to 100. So she did and stopped at 22… rolled on the bed and laid there for a bit and kept rolling around and doing leg raises and stopped… Grandma says “so what happened to the other 78?” she replies “well… you see… when I was doing this [motions the rolls and leg raises]… you can count that too.”

Anna kept grabbing peoples wrists and squeezes as hard as she can. I didn’t know why then I saw her play with a piece of chicken then grabbed my wrist. I asked her why and she just laughed. Now my wrist smells like KFC and I saw her just touch everything with her greasy hands. So I laughed and asked my sister why she was doing that and she didn’t know why either. Then she tells me that Anna still loves to eat when others are eating, just little bites here and there. One time she was eating a banana and the last piece was missing so they were looking for it… my sis found it… in the back of Anna’s head squished in her hair.

Attracted to the wrong guys?

2005-12-04T21:53:00.000-08:00

here's another one from msn.com, about relationships, if you switch the "he" with "she" it'll apply to guys too... so interesting... so true!
By Margot Carmichael Lester

Is your “type” the type who’s emotionally unavailable? Do you find his irresponsibility irresistible? Is it hard to deny a guy with a wandering eye? If you find yourself repeatedly attracted to a Mr. Right who’s all wrong, it could be more than just bad luck.

Maybe you’re dating the wrong guys so you can avoid making a commitment. Perhaps you’re picking poorly so you have an excuse to break up with him before he can break up with you. Or could it be that you enjoy the drama or attention that comes from serial break-ups? Whatever your reason, you’ve gotten into a pattern. Now that you’ve admitted it, you have to decide if you want to continue keeping true love at arm’s length, or if you want to embrace your issues and start dealing with them. If you choose to deal, you can break these bad habits with three not-so-secret weapons, says Los Angeles psychotherapist Sheila Newton, Ph.D., MFT:
Self-awareness
Self-validation and acceptance
Self-confidence

Step 1: Becoming self-aware
Start changing your patterns by being honest with yourself about what really motivates you. “Be explicit about what you really need,” Newton suggests. For instance, think about why you’re dating: For fun, for a diversion or for a long-term relationship? Do you love the thrill of the hunt, or do you prefer being hunted? Do you ignore red flags because you want to keep the relationship going? Being clear on these points is crucial.

“If you’re looking for a mate, but you date men who are just in it for fun, you’ve got a problem,” Newton says. “If you like being pursued but make the first move to ‘help it along’, you may end up attracting someone who prefers to be pursued, too.”

And if you try to keep relationships going when they’d be better off ended, you’re wasting your time. “A relationship’s not worth saving if it drives you nuts or pushes your buttons,” Newton says.

Step #2: Finding self-validation and acceptance
Next, the key to learning from your past is to review what worked in your past and what didn’t. Don’t beat yourself up about it, though. Instead, be glad you’ve got it figured out and then set to changing your behaviors.

Undertaking this kind of self-improvement can be tough to do alone. Friends and family might be able to help. “Ask close friends to give you feedback,” Newton says. They probably spotted that nasty pattern long before you did. And they’ve usually got some advice on how to break it. At the very least, most of them are willing to help.

“I had a buddy system with my friend Al,” recalls Marcie Dunn of Pittsboro, NC. “I gave him carte blanche to point out when I was falling back into bad behaviors. It really helped having someone calling me on it.” Got a deeper issue? Seek professional help.

Step #3: Summoning your self-confidence
Maybe the ultimate habit-breaker is learning to like yourself as you are. “So often, we’re focused on having the other person like us so we put on a façade that keeps us from being ourselves,” Newton says. “Instead, try being realistic. Don’t be afraid to say ‘This is who I am—take it or leave it.’”

How will this help you choose better guys? “If you know what you’re about, your instincts will react positively or negatively to people you meet,” Newton says. “Figuring out how to listen to your instincts is a great pattern-breaker.”

Self-awareness also builds confidence, which helps you avoid settling for less than you deserve. “Once you know where you’re coming from and where you want to go,” Newton concludes, “you’re much more likely to attract someone who brings out the best in you and gives you what you want and need.

my confession

2005-11-30T08:13:00.000-08:00

i am so very moved this morning to post this...
its not for me to convince you otherwise, it is my duty to share what i believe in, its up to you if you agree or not... i accept that i'm a sinner, was, is, and will be struggling with it until the end of my days... i believe that i'm forgiven by God in human form, Jesus Christ, who died on the cross for my sins, who saved me from eternal damnation, and gave me the way to heaven where i will be made perfect only when i'm one with God, i also believe the Holy Spirit who is also God is always present with me and my loved ones all the days of my life... finally... i confess this is what i believe in and i share it with you... this gift of eternal life is nothing mystical, nothing superstitious, it is something of faith that is up to the individual to accept and believe in. nothing i say and do can convince you. you believe in what you believe in and you have the natural right to share it... this is what i need to confess.

better, not bitter

2005-11-14T13:41:00.000-08:00

Take a small step to find love
By Margot Carmichael Lester

Sometimes the search for love can be more difficult than you’d like and leave you feeling discouraged. But in honor of November, national “I'm So Thankful” month, why not take a break from looking at what you don't have and start being grateful for what you do have? A negative attitude isn’t going to result in a different outcome the next time you fall in love. What will help? Try to avoid repeating the same mistakes or reliving them time and again after they’re over. And that’s where our old friend gratitude comes in.
“Being thankful for the experiences we have, however painful they might be, actually helps us avoid making the same bad decisions the next time,” says Phil Holcomb, a Seattle-based life coach and co-founder of Extraordinary Learning (www.extraordinarylearning.com). “Cultivating gratitude about our romantic lives can be a challenge, but it’s something we need to do if we want to abandon old patterns and past results and find our ideal partners.”

From Bitter to Better
All of us go through the ups and downs of dating, but do you let the hard times color your perspective? Consider the case of Tara Janeway of Phoenix: “I was so bitter about my last few relationships that I built a huge fortress around myself,” she admits. “It was a long time before I realized that that ‘protection’ was actually keeping me from finding good relationships.” Practicing gratitude helps cut off unproductive negative feelings like these, so we can focus clearly on the present, which enhances our chances for the future. “Focusing on what you’re thankful for — as long as you truly are thankful for it — has scientifically-proven positive effects on stress reduction, immune system response and sensitivity to pain,” Holcomb notes. Broken hearts included.

You can begin to practice gratitude by:
Acknowledge a bad situation, and then think of something you’re grateful for. It can be something related to the event or not. The idea is to own the bad feelings—but to focus equally on the good feelings. “Breaking up with Tim was horrible,” says Patrick Danville of Washington, D.C. “But afterwards I was grateful for the fun we had together. Plus, losing him allowed me to meet some other great guys.”

Then, think big and make a list of all the things you’re thankful for. Survey your life with a bird’s-eye view—this will help you regain perspective.

Actively notice things you’re grateful for every day. Say you got turned down when you asked that cute girl in the legal department out. Be thankful she said no right off the bat so you didn’t waste more time on her. Now you can focus on that hottie in accounting.

Feel Your PainNow, nobody’s saying that you should adopt gratitude at the expense of truly experiencing your pain. “On the contrary,” Holcomb asserts. “Being grateful doesn’t make what happened good or OK, it simply acknowledges that whatever happened is a part of us and contributed to making us the person each of us is today.”

The challenge, of course, is to find something positive—an opportunity inside the problem. “We can choose to see the problem as a negative. Or we can choose to use the problem as an opportunity to make a different decision; to develop a new part of ourselves to meet the challenge or recover from a setback,” says Holcomb. And that’s something we can all be thankful for!

is it worth it?

2005-11-13T18:24:00.000-08:00

here is a movie review... i saw jarhead w/ one of my girls and we both liked it despite the fact that lots of people said it wasnt good. it was good because she and i have friends who are marines and sometimes we just cant figure them out. now it sort of makes sense. after spending time with buddies in a highly stressful situation, when they come back to regular world they're kinda screwed up. it takes them a while to think like civilians. its understandable how sad they get, paranoid, angry, restless, or possessive, attentive, needy, clingy, etc. the movie wasnt really about the war, its about a marine's personal life... even after they put their life on the line, whether or not they actually take a life, they come back pretty much as a nobody... at least after the fanfare has died down.
so... if you like marines, then go see it. if you want to see war then save your money. if you like jake gylenhaal then go see it... if you dont want to see a bunch of guys frolicking nude in the shower then dont see it. if you like being tense from the sense of imminent danger then go see it. if you want to see people get shot, skip this one...
i give this movie a "boo-rah" insstead of a "hoo-rah"...

unapologetically...

2005-10-18T07:40:00.000-07:00

Legacy
by Nichole Nordeman

I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me
And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the best
At such'n'such ... it wouldn't matter much
I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights
We all need an 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl'
But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world
I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?
Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace whoblessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy
I don't have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthly list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy
Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bred
Just want to hear instead, "Well Done" good and faithful one...

girls in trouble

2005-10-17T07:35:00.000-07:00

my sister told me that caitlin kinda got in trouble at school one time for poking holes at something while the teacher was teaching. the teacher told her not to do that because she's damaging property and disrupting class. she said she was bored. so her mom told her to try and relax next time but instead she started humming... the teacher repeated that she's distracting the other students. so my sis spoke with the teacher and said to give her something else to do and get her involved... not sure if that tactic worked.

then one time during phys ed my sis saw her grab a "slow" boy and pushed him against a wall and was poking at his face angrily and telling him something. i dont know how my sis handled this but she told me that caitlin was mad at the boy because he wasnt doing what he was supposed to be doing. my sis told the teacher, her friend, that she can correct her, not punish, and give her "bench" time if she does things like that. so my sis had a talk with caitlin telling her that the boy did not mean not to follow rules, its just that he's special and is treated differently so she needs to be patient and kind to him. she reminded her that she is special too with her skin condition so in her way she is treated differently than others.

anna... she's a dictator, my sis said. one day she was sitting in the library waiting for anna and she heard a kid yelling "go back! go back! you have to go back!" so she steps out to look and shes a girl pushing a boy back and guess who the girl was... anna, with her short curly hair in 2 pony tails... she tells her mom later during their talk that the boy was supposed to stay in the back because she's the line leader so he needs to listen to her...

i asked my sis... where did the girls learn these things from? :-)

a suffered wrong

2005-10-17T07:29:00.000-07:00

this weekend as i spent time w/ kendy and gen we talked about liz several times... mostly about the fun she has with life. not necessarily good nor bad or right nor wrong... at the end of each thought and laughter we let out a sigh and a "hay naku" [similar to american "oh well"]. i wondered was her love for us a front or just misdirected? she brags and points out all the good that she's done, she's sly in getting her way, she manipulates our thoughts, and she points out our wrongs and it appears its because she's concerned for our welfare but ultimately it is for her benefit and/or convenience... did i judge her? no. i asked her to think about what her real motivations are for doing and saying what she's said and done... is it out of love or something else?...

1 Corinthians 13:5 (Amplified Bible)
Amplified Bible (AMP)
Copyright © 1954, 1958, 1962, 1964, 1965, 1987 by The Lockman Foundation
5It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].

family and friends update

2005-10-06T07:37:00.000-07:00

i visited my folks several weeks ago and i realized i missed them a lot...

my nieces are growing up pretty well despite the fact that their dad needs to get better and mom needs to be stronger and wiser at heart. i pray for them a lot. well, the girls, caitlin and anna, are fun! caitlin is such a pretty girl, rugged, but a princess at heart. she still loves magenta, not pink. her new thing now is designing, drawing sketches of people she knows but in costumes :-) she asked me if i wanted her to design me a costume and i said no. i'm thinking to myself, what costume would she make for me, a boy or girl costume? :-P she's understanding society's standards of gender and i think she still has me as somewhere in between, which is fine... i'll wait till she's older. she says she wants to take karate classes. and i said what about ballet. she does her piroutte pose and says "i already did that" then she does a karate pose and says "i want karate!" she's also read through the catalog of classes offered for kids and points out judo to me and says "i'll take that next year."

anna, cute and curly head! she was scared to go to school early this year, she wasnt ready she said... now she loves it. she does her homework and has a lot to tell me about school. these girls use big words too that i don't or rarely use in my day to day conversations :-) wow, i cant even remember what they were telling me when i visited them... she's learning how to write and learning songs too. she still changes so many times in a day averaging to 5 times... at least 3 times before she goes with her mom to pick up her sister from school. she likes to wear a headband now because she doesnt like her hair going over her face. she still sucks her thumb once in a while... she sat on her mom's lap while she browses through the laptop i gave her and she wanted her to play a dvd, so caitlin runs and gets something. my sister plays the dvd of children's contemporary christian songs and anna points out which one is her favorite in the list... my sis plays it and the girls sits with her and starts singing along... anna never really sang, caitlin always does... but anna now has very good pitch, and knows how to vibrato... she probably learned it from her big sis and her mom :-)

it's a happy house for the most part. mom and dad are getting weighed down though with bringing them up all, my older brother who sort of helps... the family they're helping in the back hasnt been able to pay rent yet... my sis and her husband... well, that depresses me but God help them... please. mom and dad are retired and they need to enjoy it. i'm sure they got plans how to do just that...

before i left i played with the dogs coffee, cocoa, and mac for a bit. they were so grungy but sooooooo cute! of course, coffee is the first to come up to me, he got fat. and he always falls on his side when i start petting him on his head. as soon as he lays down you hear tiny pitter-patter of paws on pavement and here comes mac and stands close to me, just near enough for me to reach to him and pet him and he starts going around chasing his tail or to lick my hands so hekeeps going in circles :-p and as soon as he does that you hear cocoa almost skipping, awoken from his nap, and prances towards me stepping over coffee and mac and goes right for my face :-) i never let him get close enough so i dont know if he just wants to nuzzle (is that the right word?) or lick me... i can't pet them all three so i end up stopping w/ cocoa or mac and whoever i stop petting then jumps at me and soon enough were all on the ground and they start pawing, licking, jumping... i think they're having fun until one gets stepped on and starts growling :-)

friends... its time for an overhaul. i need to assert myself and my preferences because i let these younger ones influence me so much that i started compromising my personal beliefs. i've learned a lot from them but i want them to learn from me too... no more aiming for beauty and goodness... i want purity, holiness, righteousness... i want to leave that kind of legacy. i'm the oldest, i should be the better example. not because i'm better, but because it's better to be better and not bitter. so we might lose one friend for a while... she needs to acknowledge things she needs to change about herself because she's now toxic to everyone. she's like a festering boil ready to pop awful things on everyone... the rest of the girls need to stop being complacent about it too... we need to stop serving haterade...

Not So Suddenly Single

2005-09-14T08:22:00.000-07:00

i told myself i'll never write on here again but this one's really good reading...

i've given so much advice to my friends who say "i love you" so fast to whoever they're dating and i've taken some of my advice. i've only had one long-term relationship in my life and its so memorable i dont think i'll ever let go... i read this article and wonder... did my ex, who's still one of my best friends, fall in love too fast? and in our attempts to get reacquainted or rekindle the spark of what was... did we overthink things and killed the chance of it? or do we have hope?

Are you falling in love too fast?
By Anna Harris

If your relationship's moving at light speed (like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes'), how do you know if it's for real—or if you need a reality check? Find out right here.
It's no surprise that the whirlwind romance between Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes has everyone's tongues wagging. After dating for just one month, Cruise declared his devotion to Holmes (and even hinted about marriage) on Oprah. And a few weeks after that, they were engaged.
That example got everyone talking: Is it possible to really fall that fast? Can an intense love like that last? Everyone has an opinion, and the reason is probably because we've all been there at some point—that is, swept up in a relationship that's moving so swiftly it's making our heads spin.
Sure, falling hard and fast can be exhilarating, but it can also be a little scary. Should you barrel ahead, celebrating that you've found The One, or put the brakes on for fear that you'll get your heart broken? We asked that very question to some leading relationship experts to see what's the best way to proceed. Try their advice and you may be able to reap all the heady benefits of being head-over-heels without getting burned.

Know the difference between a tide and an undertow
"I think people have to allow for a bit of a giddy whirlwind," says Lynn Harris, relationship expert and author of He Loved Me, He Loves Me Not, who married her husband just a year after they met. "People who spend too much time analyzing what's going on and playing it safe suck all the romance out of it." Even so, there is a big difference between being swept up and feeling completely out of control. So ask yourself: If your new love interest asks you to do something you're uncomfortable with — say, heading to a dicey-looking club on your second date — do you feel fine voicing your reservations, or do you sweep them under the rug to avoid ruining the moment? "If you feel like you have to act a certain way, then that's a sign you're not comfortable with this person. You're just comfortable with the idea of being in a whirlwind romance," points out Harris. Bottom line is, any long-term relationship needs your input, good and bad. More on how to do that next...

Slow things down without hurting their feelings
If you think things are rushing along too quickly, you owe it to the relationship to say so. However, avoid the usual lines like "I think we need to take things slower" or "I need some space"—these clichés will only set off alarm bells and make your amour think you're trying to wiggle out of the relationship. Instead, be specific by explaining, "I'd love to see you this weekend, but a friend of mine going through a rough time so I'm going to hang out with her" or "A work project is killing me and I'll feel better if I hunker down and finish it so I can relax the next time we're together." If your date presses the issue, put their fears to rest by framing your time apart as a way to keep your relationship healthy for the long run. Say, "I'm really into you and I don't want to mess this up by moving too fast." To reassure them further, make a plan to see them on a date you'll be more available—that way they're not left hanging and wondering if the relationship's on the rocks.

Don't act on every impulse
Are you thinking of your sweetie and tempted to call them saying so... for the fifth time that day? That's sweet, but before you dial that person's digits, know this: Not all impulses are meant to be acted upon. "People misinterpret feelings for phone calls. They don't have to be one and the same," says Harris. "Just sit back and enjoy the buzz. Enjoy the fact that you just hung up the phone and want to pick it up again. That's awesome." And enough already! This rule especially holds true for emailing and instant messaging—mediums that encourage you to reveal all sorts of personal info but that can easily breed false sense of intimacy. So before hitting that "send" button, ask yourself: Would you feel comfortable coughing up this info in person? If not, save it for later.

Curb conversations about the future
So you'd love to take a romantic cruise to Alaska together this fall. Or you've always dreamt of having your wedding on the beach at sunset. Or you're certain you want at least three kids, ideally five. Discussing your future dreams with your new flame may seem really romantic, but indulging in it too often can be a red flag. "This indicates that you're more into the idea of being in a relationship than the actual person in front of you," points out Laurie Puhn, author of Instant Persuasion: How to Change Your Words To Change Your Life. If your conversations tend to veer in that direction, consider an "activity date," like going to an art museum or taking a walk in the park, which will force you to focus on things right in front of you—as well as each other.

Wait to say "I love you" (even if you think you do)
When you're in a relationship that feels so right, it can be tempting to utter those three little worlds on the early side. Harris advises against it: "The first time you feel like saying it, count to ten, go home and say it to your cat," she says. After all, your feelings could be due to the fact that you two just shared a really romantic evening together or (let's be honest) had incredible sex. There's also the risk that the feelings might not be mutual yet. So before you take this step, ask yourself: Will you be able to accept if your date doesn't say "I love you" back, or will you be crushed? If it's the latter, then it's probably best to hold off until more time has passed and you're more confident about each other's intentions.
If, on the other hand, you're on the receiving end of an early "I love you," don't feel obliged to say it back if you're not feeling it yet. But that doesn't mean you should ignore the overture or, worse yet, give them a lecture about how they couldn't possibly feel that way so soon. "This person has just made themselves really vulnerable, so you want to be careful," says Harris. Try, "I'm so touched you just said that, and I feel strongly for you. It's hard for me to use that word right now but feel like I may be getting there, too." Who knows, maybe you will sooner than you think.

Anna Harris is a freelance writer in New York City. She has only fallen head over heels once—and is marrying him this fall. And for the record, he said "I love you" first.

kaiser

2005-08-31T19:36:00.000-07:00

i got a recorded message on my voicemail from kaiser permanente. it said i had a message from my practitioner. there was a long direction on getting my message, with passwords, medical record numbers, etc. etc. etc. i was getting anxious... i dont remember ever getting a call like this before... it was something about a test. i havent had any kinds of test pending... eventually i get to the message and it said "Our records show that you are now due for a pap smear. It is recommended for women blah blah blah every 2 to 3 years... more blah blah blah... " and it left a number for me to call... i called the number, i left a message saying "Hi so and so, i'm blah blah blah, i got the message from my practitioner about the pap smear. I would not need it because if you go back my records you will see that i am a male to female non-operative transsexual and i don't have the biological equipment that would require this exam. if you have any questions please call me... "

wild huh? :-) now wouldnt i need a prostate exam instead? that would be weird... a girl like me going to the nurse and saying "i need to schedule a prostate exam"... :-)